Archive - The Squeeze

July 2025

Detective Stumped As To Which Asshole Keeps Taking All The Good Pens Home

The latest news in the riveting line of office detective work.

Jul 24 •

Trump Diagnosed With Chronic Virtue Insufficiency

A disease in which morals have difficulty developing and moving throughout the body—often getting caught up in the legs.

Jul 18 •

Opinion: Donald Trump is Ruining Pancakes For Everyone

Reliable access to the world’s finest maple syrup is not something to muck around with.

Jul 15 •

Vance Champions Traditional Family Values By Killing His Father and Marrying His Mother

And Why You Should Too

Jul 5 •

Opinion: Republicans Need to Stop Giving Badass Names to Horrible Things

It’s getting confusing for me.

Jul 2 •

June 2025

Democrats Scoop Out Eyeballs And Plow Forward On New Podcast

Following Zohran Mamdani’s decisive victory in NYC, Democratic Leaders look for creative ways to focus on the important things.

Jun 27 •

Trump's Intel on Iran Behind Paywall

The President Can No Longer Access Critical Information

Jun 25 •

Majority of Americans Agree Iran War Is A Necessary Consequence For Algebra

Polls show Iran had this coming ever since inventing algebra 1000 years ago.

Jun 22 •

The Next Great American Street Photographer

A look at the field's most groundbreaking work.

Jun 9 •

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