News and Politics:
Taylor Swift Struggles To Maintain Modest Wedding Budget Of 2 Dragon Hoards
OCTOBER 5
Shedding her flesh and returning to her true form, the 40 foot, red scaled, fire-breathing pop star, Taylor Swift, told press that she and her concubine, Travis Kelce, were struggling to maintain their modest wedding budget of 2 dragon hoards.
“We’d really hate to draw from a third dungeon,” Swift said, stampeding through a village in search of new loot and song lyrics. “Even with gold hitting record highs, we’re really straining to be responsible here.” Paparazzi captured the moment her eyes sparked at the thought of losing even one of her mountains of riches.
Swifties have been quick to sympathize with the singer/songwriter/serpent, pointing out that hoards are like children to dragons. Though fans have expressed excitement over what this hardship could mean for her next studio album.
Looming over breadlines, Swift later remarked that is was impossible to decide between cutting the five story cake or the crab leg castle.
Hegseth Says Dead Fisherman Actually Three Cocaines In A Trenchcoat
OCTOBER 13
After another US airstrike offshore of Venezuela appeared to incinerate the tenth fishing vessel of the year, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth released a statement clarifying that all the fishermen on board were actually three cocaines in a trenchcoat.
According to the statement, “dastardly cocaines have long tried to fool American border patrol agents by making maritime passage into the United States under the guise of densely garbed fishermen.”
Other intelligence agencies have backed Hegseth’s claim, stating that cocaine is extremely crafty and learning to operate fishing vessels is something Venezuela should never have allowed it to do.
Hegseth goes on to write that the sudden disappearance of actual Venezuelan fisherman coinciding with the US strikes is a completely coincidental phenomenon. He warned that further speculation on the matter may play into ANTIFA-backed terrorist talking points and could result in visits from the FBI.
The Department of War’s twitter account later tweeted, “We must strike these cocaines before they strike us!”
AI Bubble Actually Just Soapy, Round, Iridescent Opportunity, Some Say
GENERAL
Content creators and independent journalists began sounding the alarms this month over fears that AI’s dominance over the US economy could be one giant bubble. Forecasters point to profits built entirely on speculation and cyclical business models, as well as warning that AI companies contributed to 92% of GDP growth in the first half of 2025. Not everyone is convinced, however. Legendary investor and avid cuckold Hobart Westchester Longfellow has called naysayers “luddites” who are “blind to potential.” Longfellow says that where others see a bubble, he sees a soapy, round, iridescent, opportunity.
“Sure it has all the signs of a bubble,” Longfellow told reporters from the corner of his 1000 square foot bedroom while watching his wife of 20 years get railed by an animatronic man called Clyde 4. “But AI is different. It’s intelligent. When the bubble would normally pop, we’ll ask it to decide not to.”
New Data Center Really Ties Abandoned Solar Farm Together
OCTOBER 19
Just a few months after President Trump’s cuts to clean energy allocations shut down a near complete solar farm in Nevada, which was expected to be one of the largest ever, Google has nearly completed the construction of a new Data Center being built a little to the left. Nevadans who were previously worried about all the wasted land, money, and potential, now rejoice at the sight of the nearly unmanned computational warehouse.
“That solar farm was starting to look pretty grim,” says resident Chris Ramírez. “But Google’s giant new energy consumption machine really ties the abandoned project together.”
Ramírez’s energy bill is expected to jump 20% once the data center begins operating. He says he looks forward to having a nice round number on his energy bill. “Two hundred dollars or so ought to look better coming out of my account anyway. Constantly paying one sixty seven and change always felt a little random.”
Trump Clarifies New Ballroom Just Going To Be A Place For His Nuts To Hang Out
OCTOBER 23
In a brief conversation with reporters outside the White House this month President Trump offered clarity on the White House Ballroom that is going to be replacing the historic east wing. He described the project as a necessary safe space for his balls to hang out. He told reporters that during his first term white house officials complained about his tendency to free hang even though he was “just trying to catch a little breeze.” He said the ball room was “considerate” and “a fair compromise.” Later Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt shared more details, including a resting podium with fine silk cushions, a warm water station, and wall to wall mirrors. When asked who else would benefit from the White House Ball Room, Leavitt said that for the safety and security of the president and the little presidents no one else would be granted access. Except for occasional “16 year old Mar-a-Lago masseuses” or “working ladies that haven’t peed in awhile.”
Pentagon Promises To Pay Military After Finding $20 Bill On Ground
OCTOBER 24
DOGE Cuts 50% of Population
OCTOBER 30
With SNAP funding set to expire November 1st, the Department of Government Efficiency, headed by Amy Gleason, is moving forward with a solution. To lighten the load on the administration’s heavily reduced social safety nets, DOGE is cutting 50% of the population. Gleason, who resembles a pencil-pushing pile of all the skin Kristi Noem discarded, says “I recently watched this movie called Infinity War. It’s a children’s show where a purple hero solves a resource crisis by cutting half the population. I thought, ‘Hey! Why doesn’t DOGE do that?’” Gleason says she has already thought of the perfect motto: Solving SNAP With A Snap. She goes on, “I mean, it would be so much easier to save money on lifesaving programs if we had half as many lives to save.”
Gleason says DOGE is still in the early stages of collecting all six infinity stones, but she looks forward to sacrificing a loved one for the soul stone in Vormir.
Public Discourse:
Bezos Says Millions Will Soon Be Living In Space
“They’ll mostly be living there because they want to.”
Cindy:
“Mostly?”
Fredrick:
“Are those the same millions living in dumpsters right now?”
Joseph:
“We’d be there in a year if liberals would shut up and just be slaves for a little while.”