Hello and welcome back educated readers! In an era full of misinformation and noise, I’d like to thank you for seeking out our no-nonsense, fact-based newsletter. If you’re new here be sure to sign up below!
This month’s September recap will focus on National news and then midway through October we’ll be releasing a full collection of Local stories.
While their effects aren’t quite as far-reaching, I recommend tuning in as you may fine the subjects enlightening.
Whether we will continue to share two collections every month is to-be-determined. But thanks to my colleague
we have enough prepared to pull it off next month.Thanks again for reading,
Graeme
News and Politics:
Pumpkin Spice Fiends Awaken
SEPTEMBER 1
The eyes shot open this month on thousands of pumpkin spice fiends who have been hanging by their toes on damp cave ceilings since November of last year. They swarmed local boutiques and descended upon independent coffee shops like an auburn shadow.
Males can be seen garbed in thick wool sweaters and burnt orange beanies, while females are usually spotted in beige wide brimmed hats and cardigans. Occasionally the fiends are capable of blending in amongst regular humans but can always be identified by the eerie crunch of leaves echoing from their steps no matter the surface.
Experts say onlookers are welcome to take their families out to see the fiends but warn tourists to maintain a safe distance. While pumpkin spice fiends are not generally dangerous, those who engage in conversation with one may find themselves suddenly having their tarot read, on a date in some fucking farm two hours away from home, or talking about how the weather is finally cool for hours on end.
The fiends are expected to increase in number leading up to October 31st, after which sightings will rapidly decline, until all have returned to their yearlong hibernation.
Heartbroken Trump Learns Charlie Kirk Will Never Compliment His Ballroom
SEPTEMBER 10
BBL Renamed ABL
SEPTEMBER 12
Donald Trump signed an executive order this month renaming the popular cosmetic surgery known as the Brazilian Butt Lift to the American Butt Lift. The following is an excerpt from a conversation that took place between the President and a press pool outside the White House.
Trump: Why is it called BBL even when it is done here? Why should Brazil get any credit for our great asses when they have treated their own President Jair Bolsonaro so poorly?”
Press: Sir, we were asking about the death of Charlie Kirk.
Trump: Yes. They should be called American Butt Lifts! They are most famous on many fine, fine American girls. Beautiful girls. Girls that are good. Girls that are, look good.
Press: Are you saddened sir?
Trump: If you buy my new digital trading cards you will even be entered into a raffle for the first official ABL. A DJT-ABL.
Press: He was a friend of yours wasn’t he?
Trump: That’s right. You won’t even need liposuction. We’ll use my cankles.”
The Press did not know how to respond to this.
Trump: They’re beautiful cankles, really. The liberal media wants you to think they’re ugly, blood clotted cankles. Not true! They’re strong cankles. They’ll give you a great ass. A presidential ass.
Press: Mr. President, how are you supporting Kirk’s family at this time?
Trump: The surgery will happen right here on the lawn. It will be a white surgeon. White surgeon of course.
FCC Missteps, Attacks Rich Non-Hispanic Guy
SEPTEMBER 17
Upsetting what has otherwise been a relatively uncontested crackdown on freedom of speech amongst student protesters, visa holders, and minority advocates, Trump’s FCC made the mistake of attempting to threaten Late Night Talk Host Jimmy Kimmel, a rich non-Hispanic white guy.
Initially Disney conceded and took Kimmel off the air but establishment allies were quick to speak out. Disney+ subscribers—radicalized by Star Wars Andor—cancelled their subscriptions. Unsure of which direction to cower, Disney brought Kimmel back six days later.
No One Chosen During Rapture
SEPTEMBER 23
As predicted by Christian TikTokers across the platform, the Christian Rapture took place on September 23th and all of God’s chosen souls were sucked into the heavens for eternal rejoice.
Controversially the only soul chosen by the Lord was a single Bernese Mountain Dog named Luther, from Berlin. Reportedly the dog was a very good dog. However many have been quick to point out that most dogs are very good dogs and so perhaps there was some kind of mistake.
Witnesses say God attempted to clear up the confusion by writing a message in the clouds saying “There was no mistake. I just like Luther. Luther is the only one that did this holy life thing right.” However devoted Christians wonder if that wasn’t the devil trying to shake their faith and if there isn’t some kind of second rapture coming soon.
TikTok Acquisition Vital To Limiting Foreign Influence On Domestic Propaganda
SEPTEMBER 25
After a four year dance with China and TikTok, the United States announced they are finalizing a deal to transfer the majority of the application’s ownership to domestic investors. US representatives say this is a vital step to limiting foreign influence on domestic propaganda. Before TikTok exploded in popularity, US tech elites held a monopoly on all major social media sites and algorithms. Co-opting content moderation was a breeze. When TikTok entered the scene it gave rise to dangerously diverse perspectives and it limited intelligence agencies’ ability to effectively coordinate morally righteous PSYOPs.
Manufacturing consent is essential within a western democracy because in order to ensure civilians receive the changes they want to see we need to be able to decide what sort of changes we want them to want to see. The active collapse of traditional news outlets and broadcast media means that social networks are the future of these campaigns. With this in mind it’s quite clear why the United States is so desperate to maintain its digital hegemony. It is necessary to benevolently redirect public desire back in line with the sagacious needs of the state.
Netanyahu Warned To ‘Wrap Up’ Genocide
SEPTEMBER 30
The United Nations spoke sternly to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu this month, warning him to “wrap up” his little genocide.
“Bibi has always been a troublemaker,” one representative said, “which can be cute at times but has gotten out of control lately.” Netanyahu was warned that if he doesn’t stop the unrestricted killing soon the UN would begin counting down from three and “you don’t want to see what happens at three!”
Public Discourse:
RFK Jr And President Trump Say Taking Tylenol During Pregnancy Causes Autism
Cindy:
“That’s why when I was pregnant I just smoked the pain away.”
Fredrick:
“My mom took loads of Tylenol and I suck at math.”
Joseph:
“Probably true. Not vaccinating my kid saved my dead son from autism.”