Federal Agent Kills Mother Of Two In Defensive 600 Yard Sniper Shot
“She may have been coming right at me!” The obscured, unnamed agent stated.
During an altercation in Minneapolis this morning a federal agent, fearing for his life, killed a mother of two in a tragedy demanding a defensive 600 yard sniper shot. The unfortunate action was deemed necessary to ensure the agent’s safety the moment the 43 year old matriarch entered her minivan.
“She may have been coming right at me!” The obscured, unnamed agent stated. “In a few short blocks she could have been right at the foot of this parking garage. From there it would have taken her mere minutes to creep up six floors of cars and ram me!” The agent spoke mutedly through a full-body ghillie suit atop the gray concrete building.
While some critics have claimed that if the agent had time to assemble his Mk 22 sniper rifle, check the wind conditions, establish aim, and steady his breathing, he likely had time to move away from the vehicle, others have pointed out that agents can’t always be expected to make perfect decisions in these high pressure situations. It’s also worth mentioning that two weeks prior to the shooting the unnamed agent watched Stephen Spielberg’s breakout film Duel for the first time and has been having nightmares about tanker trucks ever since. And the slain mother’s 2014 Nissan Quest sort of has a long nose like a tanker truck. So you can’t really blame the guy for being a little cautious. Additionally, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has stated that the deceased was an active leader of an organized group of radicals known as the PTA.
While she didn’t explicitly explain the acronym, it could possibly stand for something Spanish.
Upon leaving the scene, more startled agents were seen gunning down a defiant baby carriage that appeared to be rolling their way.