Fingernail Clipping Crashes Through Window, Kills 10
And Other Non-Satirical News Articles
Hello readers! Thanks for tuning in to the local edition of The Squeeze, where we cover smaller stories across the state of Florida. This post comes in addition to our next Monthly Recap to be released November 1st. I’d like to thank our correspondent
for covering many of the events below. We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.Stay informed,
Graeme
Local Stories:
Fingernail Clipping Crashes Through Window, Kills 10
Winter Park, Florida
Tragedy ensued last Thursday when local man, Dave Rudd attempted to groom himself in his Winter Park apartment. Rudd reported that after months of chewing on his fingernails he had finally ordered nail clippers in a vain play for respectability. Rudd confessed that he had forgotten about the dangers of grooming and carelessly began clipping over a bin in his living room. He was consequently unprepared when a jagged bit from his index finger flew across the room and crashed out his window, gaining boomerang-like momentum, and slicing the throats of ten innocent bystanders.
Reactions can be heard in a viral social media video which captured the chaotic scene. “Ew!” One voice exclaims. “So much blood!” Says another. “Forgot the blood! That was like a nail that flew by. It could have touched me!” The first voice retorts.
A nearby journalist arrived in time to speak with many of the victims. Most seemed preoccupied or refused to comment, but one woman effected had this say:
“Grghrgr—hgrga—rhgrh… grgh… gak… gak.. ggh.”
Terrorist Toddler Taken To Detention Center For Saying “Goo Goo Gaza”
Naples, Florida
18 month old Ashleigh Maryanne Jones was taken to a federal detention center last week after her parents witnessed signs of far-left Hamas terrorism. During their typical Taco Tuesday dinner, she said “Goo goo Gaza,” a well-known rallying cry for the Hamas terrorist organization. Her parents quickly called law enforcement to report the threat. The arrest comes as an alarming amount of young Americans have gained ties to the organization.
When masked federal agents attempted to arrest Ashleigh, she refused to drop her weapon, putting the police in a life-threatening situation. The standoff lasted 20 minutes before Ashleigh finally relinquished her deadly GoGo SqueeZ fruit sauce, which suggested inside knowledge of Police Chief Anderson’s apple allergy, likely obtained by an organized counter-intelligence team.
The police struggled to handcuff Ashleigh as she evaded arrest by expertly slipping them off her wrist. While army-crawling away from officers and finding cover behind a barricade of alphabet blocks, Ashleigh detonated a lethal biochemical weapon in her diaper. After she ignored the officer’s orders to “release the hostages” and “relinquish any weapons,” it ultimately took six agents and two tasers to apprehend her. Police Chief Anderson called this the most important and successful arrest in the history of counter-terrorism.
Authorities are warning parents to keep an eye out for signs of radicalism brewing in their children. Warning signs can include rally cries like “Goo-goo Gaza,” symbolically snacking on Watermelon, and watching Ms. Rachel on YouTube.
DeSantis Pledges No Child Will Die From Mass Shootings Ever Again If Polio Kills Them All First
Tallahassee, Florida
In a press conference on Friday, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, alongside RFK Jr., promised that school shootings are a thing of the past. Enough is finally enough. Looking out over the sea of students and parents, DeSantis revealed a brave and unprecedented policy that would ensure the end to their fear and heartbreak. The “School Security and Safety Act” would ban all vaccine mandates in the state, giving back their freedom to catch polio, measles, mumps, tetanus, chicken pox, hepatitis B, and pneumococcal conjugate.
In a heartfelt speech, Desantis said, “With children now expressing their God given right to die by preventable disease, there will be no kids left here to get shot. Or to do the shooting. This is a beautiful day to be an American.”
Old Man Seen Trying To Zoom On Phone Camera For Eight Minutes Straight
Orlando, Florida
On October 16th, during the Orlando Magic’s NBA game against the New Orleans Pelicans, 78 year old fan James Carmichael was seen attempting to zoom in on his phone camera to take a picture of the court. He was spotted tapping on the center of his Galaxy S5 camera screen and swiping up, as if to scroll down a webpage. Nothing happened, since he failed to pinch the screen and expand his fingers in the same way we have universally zoomed in on smart phones since the iPhone was released 18 years ago. Investigators are stumped as to how Carmichael missed this development, even at 78 years old.
Onlookers watched in the stands as Carmichael repeated the same action, swiping up and tapping the screen and swiping up again in a futile attempt to zoom. The teenagers behind him reported disbelief when Carmichael entered his 6th straight minute of attempting the same methodology without ever stopping to consider that he might be doing something wrong.
At last, he closed the camera application and opened it back up. Then he swiped up again, but at least he had tried something new by restarting the application. The curious teens wondered if he would simply ask one of the basketball fans sitting next to him, but he did not. At minute eight, which is actually a really long time to sit on your phone making the motion, Carmichael finally turned off his device and gave up on preserving the memory.
Local Man With “We The People” Bumper Sticker Can’t Name Any Constitutional Amendments
Panama City, Florida
Declaring himself a “true defender of liberty,” wearing an American flag visor and eating a Freedom Dog at a gas station, local man Derek Mullins, 52, shocked reporters on Tuesday when he failed to name a single constitutional amendment. Instead, he confidently listed “the right to party” and “the right to have these guns” while flexing his biceps.
“The Constitution is simple,” Mullins explained. “It says, fuck taxes, guns forever, and no females in the army. Everything else is just extra pages they put in to make it look official.”
When pressed further, Mullins insisted the Third Amendment gave him the right to “own at least one wolf.” He also claimed the Fifth Amendment allows him to “chug a beer before driving as long as I don’t hit nothin.”
When asked which constitutional amendment freed slaves or gave women the right to vote, he said “That’s government overreach and was probably written by Commies.”
When accused of being a fake fan of the constitution, Mullins became agitated, saying he’s a pure blooded American and he’s read plenty of memes about it on Facebook.
Coworker Stands Way Too Fucking Close
Jacksonville, Florida
Last Tuesday local woman Janice Neighbors, 23, confirmed that her coworker stands way too fucking close. She told the press it wasn’t just one time either. Reportedly, the man, who is nearly 50 and should have learned how to stand next to someone by now, is determined to hover within the personal bubble of Neighbors whenever he has a question for her that could have been asked from his own desk just a few feet away. Witnesses say Neighbors has done everything short of telling the man to mind his own fucking business or to sit down and stay away. Neighbors said she would have a more direct conversation with him if he wasn’t a threatening older man who was also generally awful to talk to. She later added, “It’s irritating in the same way that chewing gum with an open mouth is irritating. If we weren’t emergency dispatchers I would stab him. Unfortunately, that would just give me more work to do.”
Man Forgets to Start Apple Watch During Workout, Kills Himself
Boca Raton, Florida
Local fitness enthusiast and steroid dabbler, Jason Karb was found dead inside an LA Fitness early Thursday morning. Karb was well known by the gym staff and clientele. He regularly went to the gym at 5am and 7pm everyday to ensure he closed his Apple Watch activity rings.
According to witnesses, Karb got off the treadmill around 8:30 and looked down at his watch to realize that he had never even started his workout timer. It wasn’t tracking his calories or heart rate or distance. Witnesses heard him cry out “IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING” and watched as promptly strangled himself with the treadmill’s safety rope and clip.
“Yeah he lifted”, the front desk attendant said, choking back tears, “his quads were on some next level shit.”
“I’m really going to miss him creepily staring at me from across the gym while I did my seated hip abductors” shared a shaken female gym-goer, “I loved how he always tried to talk to me while I had my headphones on.”
The funeral service and wake will be held on Sunday morning at the gym during hot yoga.