2026 Bingo Card
Septum Piercings Reclassified As Terror Symbol
IN: Preventable Illnesses, Illegal Occupations, Cargo Pants
OUT: Obamacare Subsidies, American Hegemony, Taiwan
2026 is off to the races. In just one week Donald Trump has sent troops to occupy and overthrow regimes in both Venezuela and Minneapolis.
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has defended the administration’s swift and violent action in Venezuela, telling Americans “We must be willing to treat criminal regimes like Maduro’s as brutally as we would treat our wives.”
This comes at a time where Hegseth is still under investigation for air striking an alleged drug boat twice in September of last year, in an apparent attempt to kill the survivors of a neutralized vessel. But to be fair, Hegseth was seeing double at the time.
With so much uncertainty in the new year air, I want to prepare readers for at least a few upcoming stories. The following infographic shows some of the headlines you should expect to see.
Reference:
ICE Launches Youth Chapters Aimed At Shooting Women In The Face
AI Chatbot Leads Decentralized Murder Cult
Polymarket Launches Polymarket Kids
Investors Dump Gold, Go All In On Beef
Septum Piercings Reclassified As Terror Symbol
Eugenics Rebranded As Genetic Choice
Netflix Acquires FTC
Coach Launches Designer Nose Line
‘One Piece’ Banned Across Regimes
Pentagon Implements Fatty Liver Standards
Rural Man In Medical Debt Just Glad Exxon Doing OK
Earth Splits In Two
Mass Shooting (free space)
Elon Musk Enters K-tosis
Riyadh Hosts AVN Awards
Scientists Announce Lab Grown Organ Donors
Tech Companies Launch Free Speech Subscriptions
Lookmaxxers Clash With Christians, Mog Beta Christ
Kash Patel Sneeze Pops Eyes Like A Pug
DNC Updates Party Platform To Picture Of Thumbs Up
Oatmeal and Gravel TikTok Recipes Surge
Roaches Praised As More Affordable House Pet
Juul Partners With BP To Produce Mango Flavored C02
Antitrust Division Admits It Thought Job Was Preventing Public Trust
Trump Trips Over Neck Folds