Dear Readers,
Welcome to The Squeeze’s new Monthly Recap. Instead of sharing sporadic articles week by week, I hope to summarize the month’s most important stories all in one place. It will be released on the 1st of each month. The goal is to keep your inbox cleaner, give me time to work on graphics, and feel a lot more like flipping through a magazine.
Please let me know in the comments if you enjoy this format, or if I should return to irregularly bombarding your inbox.
Thanks,
Graeme
News and Politics:
The Count Lynched Outside US Labor Building
AUGUST 2
Convinced that he was a Democrat-appointed saboteur, the Trump Administration lynched The Count outside the US Bureau of Labor Statistics.
The Count, known for his legendary proficiency with numbers, was contracted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics to help with the monthly federal jobs report under President Joe Biden in 2024. Despite The Count’s insistence that the report’s numbers were accurate, Trump suggested that it was a communist hit job.1 President Trump is now taking steps to correct the jobs report by doing away with it entirely.
Tim Cook Gifts Trump Severed Head Of Fed Chair On 24k Gold Stake
AUGUST 6
Apple CEO Tim Cook met with President Trump in the White House to discuss the future of iPhone manufacturing. Before the conversation began, Cook gifted President Trump the severed head of Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell on a 24 karat gold stake. Cook told press that the gift was not intended to influence President Trump’s decision on the matter, or to solicit general favorability from the White House. He simply “wanted to give the President something nice.” Trump admired the lavish stake and then told Cook that interest rates will thank him for this, as will his mantle.
DC Military Parade Now Mandatory
August 11
Heartbroken by the reception of his DC military parade in June, Trump has decided to make the marches mandatory—and indefinite. The President hopes the parade will remind DC that he is big and strong and important.
More recently, Trump has shared plans to take the obligatory parade on the road. The National Guard will be deployed first to Chicago and then New York. He says the occupation is very different from martial law in that it is a fun parade first and authoritarian overreach second. The President also says he hopes the occupation will serve as a firm reminder to actually show up to his god damn birthday party next year.
Israeli Official Faces Up To Two Weeks In Room Following Child Sex Sting
AUGUST 18
Tom Artiom Alexandrovich, 38 year old Israeli cybersecurity official, was arrested by Las Vegas police in an undercover sting investigation for the sexual solicitation of a minor. Now the Israeli official may face up to two weeks grounded in his room—without video games—as punishment for the pedophilia. Alexandrovich was promptly returned to Israel so that he could go up to his room and think about what he had done. He has called the decision “unfair” and claimed he is already “embarrassed enough” about his actions. “There is no reason for anyone to take away my Xbox,” Alexandrovich told the press. The US Department of State told Alexandrovich that he should have thought about that before trying to have sex with a 15 year old.
Alexandrovich acquiesced after learning he’d be allowed limited screen time each day, as long as he promised not to use it to talk to children. Reportedly Alexandrovich nodded, stating, “I won’t be caught again.”
Texas Democrats Muzzled and Hitched Outside State Capitol
AUGUST 19
To ensure their full cooperation in the deconstruction of democracy, the skittish Democrats have been hitched to posts outside the state capitol building until Republicans can fully break them in. Protesters gathered at the scene to demand the representatives receive proper feeding troughs.
Trump Declares National Emergency Over Growing Fear of History
AUGUST 22
Following a terrifying trip through the Smithsonian’s American History Museum, President Trump declared a national emergency. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt says the emergency will last as long as it takes to rectify the alarming facts of history.
The President ranted throughout August that the facts must be rewritten to more carefully consider his feelings. Before declaring the state of emergency, the President was reportedly so bridled with terror that he locked himself in the White House panic room for three days. Witnesses say the President took the museum’s modern critiques of eighteenth and nineteenth century slavers and colonizers personally. No one around him found this odd.
Trump has now vowed to update history so that no white man will be forced to bear thinking about reality. Crayoning new museum placards will also give the President something fun to do while The Heritage Foundation writes the rest of his policies.
The administration’s newfound War on History should come as no surprise. It is the continuation of Trump’s plight against primary school fundamentals. The President has already spurred a war on reading, encouraged HHS to declare a war on science and even used Iran as a proxy for his war on algebra.
Science and Technology:
Physician Succumbs To Booby Traps
Scientists Say Constant Streams of Iced Matcha Could Replace SSRIs
New data out of MIT’s Department of Brain and Cognitive Sciences suggests a strong link between ingesting constant streams of iced matcha and the ability to hold it together for another fucking second. “The results are stunning,” says research graduate Bruno Olivera. “In many cases iced matcha is outperforming traditional medication like Lexapro or Prozac. Especially when it comes to restoring a patient’s general optimism.” The only catch is if the participants ever stop consuming iced matcha, either to swallow or to breathe, all of the day’s remaining tasks come crashing back down on the individual alongside the crushing recognition of unmet social expectations, global affairs, and the futility of life. Researchers are already experimenting with ways to circumvent this shortcoming. Two possible solutions are medical IVs or suppositories.
“Eventually, iced matcha could prove to be a valuable substitute for individuals who find SSRIs disagreeable.” Olivera says. “Or even for those who find them agreeable but worry not wanting to kill themselves all the time might dampen their creativity.”
Local News:
Man Spends $150 To Be Sad Downtown
Feeling dejected about the tribulations of his personal life, Orlando man Hunter Parsons decided he wasn’t going to sit alone at home feeling sad anymore. Instead, he opted to spend $150 to be sad downtown. “Since everyone I knew was busy I figured I’d go out and make a few new friends,” Parsons said, spilling an overpriced cocktail on himself as strangers pushed past him. “It turns out most people downtown already have friends.” He stared listlessly into space for several minutes.
We caught up with Parsons later that night sitting alone on the damp concrete outside a dance club. He reported that the biting loneliness in his stomach was a bit less noticeable now that he was cold and dizzy and unable to afford an uber ride home.
Florida National Guard Declares All Out Assault On Crosswalks
Public Discourse:
On August 5th A Green Dildo Was Thrown Onto A WNBA Court For The Third Time This Year
Cindy:
“At least throw a Rose Toy or something good.”
Fredrick:
“Men don’t even have to be involved in something to find a way to fuck it up.”
Joseph:
“So what? I wish someone would throw a fleshlight at me.”
While The Count was not known to personally hold any far left views, he did maintain close ties with extremists like TV personality Elmo Monster, who has espoused praise for radical sharing.