Which Virgin Will Be Next To Don The Silly Hats?
135 male virgins will gather from across the globe, ascending on Vatican City to lock themselves in the Sistine Chapel for a secret sleepover.
Which Virgin Will Be Next To Don The Silly Hats?
In a couple weeks 135 male virgins will gather from across the globe, ascending on Vatican City to lock themselves in the Sistine Chapel for a secretive sleepover. Their mission is to decide which virgin will be next to don their collection of silly hats. Tradition demands all the virgins wear red to the sleepover—not because they are brides at an Indian wedding or because they celebrating an adolescent girl’s first period. The color does symbolize blood though, the blood they are willing to shed in service of their faith. I’m sure that would include their uterine lining if they had any.
Between votes, the sleepover will consist of a mandatory device-detox and a series of heart-to-hearts. Votes may be held twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon at maximum. The virgin selected to wear the silly hats must receive a 2/3rds majority vote.
All Catholic bishops already have the privilege of wearing a variety of pretty goofy hats. So the stakes aren’t that high. Still, the pope is granted access to the biggest, shiniest, and silliest of them all. Pope Francis, who passed away on April 21, 2025, was famous for restraining his privilege. He opted out of opulence in favor of more humble headwear. He rocked that look and many progressives admire him for it. However, I am looking forward to a pope who might actually rival Heidi Klum at next year’s Met Gala.
All 135 virgins attending the vote are eligible for the position, so there is a wide spread of potential popes; a papal smear. We won’t know who is selected for sure until we see white smoke rising from the Sistine Chapel. This is part of a color coded signal system the church invented in 1914 and kept as a tradition because they thought it was cute. Black smoke means no pope yet. White smoke means prepare the drip.
Their decision is influenced by a variety of factors. Experts say the virgins want someone who is “papabile” or “pope-like.” What exactly this means in practice, I have no fucking idea. Another notable consideration is age. The virgins don’t want to choose someone who is too young for fear that they may hold on to the position for a really long time and we’ll never get to see someone new wear the hats. They also don’t want to choose someone too old because then they may have to reconvene in another two weeks when Epic Universe is opening in Orlando, Florida. The sleepovers are fun and all but they’re really time consuming and many of the cardinals already have tickets to meet Toothless.
Other privileges of the pope include riding in silly looking cars and becoming the absolute monarch of the smallest sovereign state on Earth.
