Vance Champions Traditional Family Values By Killing His Father and Marrying His Mother
And Why You Should Too
Vance Champions Traditional Family Values By Killing His Father and Marrying His Mother
From his days on the campaign trail to his time in the White House, Vice President JD Vance has made his top political priority saving traditional family values. However, not many people truly know his personal philosophy.
“You see, when I say “traditional” I don’t just mean making divorce illegal and bringing back Jim Crow,” Vance explains. “I got back even further. Nothing is more traditional than 13 Century BC.”
Vance lives by the book. Well, not the book or any book at all, but a Greek tragedy. “Some people avoid eating pork or abstain from sex until marriage. I killed my father and married my mother. And I am raising my children to do the same. Once a year we even hire a witch to reveal a prophecy. It’s like Santa but sexier. Everyone has a right to their own faith, but mine is the best one and should be mandated by law.”
“And before you ask, no, I don’t want to have sex with my mom, but it is what my faith requires and I am not to question my lord Oedipus. But yeah, I did want to kill my dad a little bit,” Vance reveals.
The Squeeze would like to wish all who celebrate a happy “Gouge Thy Eyes Out Day”, the holiest of holidays in this faith.