This Valentine’s Day Get Her the Gift of Red Wings
A Gift Guide for Those Who Love Women
It is a tragedy that so many men who purport to love women grow up to fear them. I have heard too many stories of men who turn away from sex upon hearing a woman share that it is shark week in the nether lands. How is it possible that so many men frighten from a woman’s blood as if they have never pissed out any of their own? I know most of these men have come upon their own chest, sneezed into their hands, or lost a finger in their ass thanks to a cheap sheet of toilet paper. What is it about a woman’s fluids that finally makes men declare enough? My hypothesis is that the fear is rooted in the unknown. As a young man I was never offered any insights into the peculiarities of the female body. The sexual education courses I was granted spent no time explaining what was happening inside a woman. In Indianapolis they split boys and girls into separate rooms and showed us each distinct videos. I certainly feel I would have learned much more valuable information in the girls’ room. All our animation showed us boys was that we would be growing more hair soon and that some of us would get tall and long, while others would stay short and short. The animation assured us that all shapes and sizes were normal and okay, though even then, no one believed it.
What a tremendous waste of time. These were things I knew already. What I didn’t know was a damn thing about menstruation. I mean isn’t it a phenomenon for all female mammals? Nobody ever talks about that. How the hell do the apes cope with their periods? They share 99% of our DNA, yet I’m pretty sure there is no Tampax in the jungle. Nor are there any effective coping aids like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. These poor monkeys must be miserable. What do they do then? Is there one week a month where the rainforest rains red? Are biologists prepped for this? To this day I don’t know the answers to these queries. Take my ignorance as further evidence of the failure that is the American education system. The women I have loved have been forced to become my educators. They have shown me how a tampon is inserted and how a pad stays in place. It is on their behalf that the experience has been normalized and any fear I may have felt has been quashed. I want to encourage all men to educate themselves and chip away at their prejudice. The woman you love deserves to come whether or not her uterine lining has been, will be, or is being shed. Strap on a condom and get ready to enter the amazing world of period sex!
Period sex is great. It’s just like regular sex but with finger painting.
First of all, if I have not made it clear already, there is nothing to fear. Period sex is great. It’s just like regular sex but with finger painting. Oh no, now I get to do two of my favorite things at once? Now my sheets are going to look fucking awesome? Grow up. Period sex is a wonderful opportunity to express yourself creatively. Stimulate two heads instead of one. Draw a portrait of her face next to her face. Smudge your thumb across her forehead and sing the theme to The Lion King. Draw a cross on her for Lent and say a prayer together. The possibilities are endless!
Men should be put off by things that are actually gross, like cockroaches or touching the inside of a pumpkin. Blood is nothing. If you’re like me and you grew up drinking out of public school water fountains, then you’re already used to the taste of iron. Get down there and paint your face like you’re part of Sauron’s Army. Good sex is full of fluids anyway. A real sexual warrior leaves with one hand covered in snot and the other in near identical vaginal gloop. Besides, if an appropriate amount of nails are being pressed into your back, you won’t know which blood is yours and which blood is hers anyway.
Like all things, appreciating period sex is just a matter of considering the advantages. This is something I don’t think men have ever been very good at. It reminds me of when the “would you love me if I was a worm” meme was circulating the internet. So many men scoffed at the question and plainly said “no.” I would shout at my phone screen, “think of the advantages!” Rip your worm girlfriend in half and voila! Two girlfriends!
Anyway, I am getting distracted. There is one more thing you should keep in mind when pleasing your lovely lady this Valentine’s Day. Finish the job! I get it, once you’re done you’re ready to slump. Hip thrusts are exhausting. But it’s Valentine’s Day. For once, allow your girlfriend to have a fraction of respect for you. Go to CVS, pick up a vibrating bullet for $20 and whip it out towards the usual end of your lovemaking session. You know the part. That moment when you’ve finished but she’s not even close. That’s the perfect time. Let her hear the buzz and watch how excited she gets. I know it might sound emasculating to let this twenty dollar electronic make your woman scream, but at least it’s you holding the thing. It’s no different than letting ChatGPT write your college essays. At least you went through all the trouble of pushing the button. Sure, in reality you know very little about the subject at hand, but you got the assignment done when you could have just gone to sleep. That counts for something.
Besides, vibrators can be fun for you too. If you’ve never tried using a bullet on a woman’s clitorus, it’s a lot like lockpicking in Skyrim—which is still the best RPG minigame to date. You’ve got these two tools, one up top and one in the hole (the bullet and your fingers), and you’re just kind of moving things around a little until something clicks. You’ll know when it clicks. Two meaty legs will crush your hands like a trash compactor and the woman you love will get very loud and frightening. Do not be alarmed. This means you have won. This is the equivalent of the chimes that accompany skill leveling in Skyrim. You have gained experience and you are one step closer to becoming the Dragonborn.
