The Worst Person You Know is Doing Great
In particularly distressing times it can be reassuring to look at the world and observe a general karmic balance. The anthropocene is rampant with liars, cheaters, abusers, and assholes. Surely they will all eventually face their just desserts. A merciful God would send someone like Kevin Randolph, from my 8th grade civics class, spiraling into unending depression to be consumed by the deeply rooted despair within. Unfortunately, God is either dead or an alumnus of the same fraternity as Randolph because he’s doing great. But this article isn’t about Randolph, so don’t pity me. Pity yourself. We just got off the phone with your mother, who just got off the phone with the mother of the worst person you know and they’re doing great too. So that sucks. Your mother says they are earning triple your income at their father’s company with no previous work experience. Your mother seems to believe that they earned their position as a company consultant and is wondering why you aren’t having a similar level of success. You performed better than them in high school for Pete’s sake. You must not even be trying. The worst person you know, who is a white man, is optimistic about the future. He strongly believes America is returning to a country of traditional family values and his wife somehow believes the same. She blows him every day, once in the morning and once before bed. His dick is huge. He has traveled to Europe on multiple occasions and did not reflect on the political or cultural differences of these nations at all. He remains completely unaware of the very existence of American Foreign Policy. While he does not suffer from a total absence of morality, studies suggest all negative associations dissipate in their entirety the moment he looks away. This is also the case for those he has personally slighted. For example, after cheating on his previous girlfriend he did not enjoy witnessing the heartbreak he caused her. However, as soon as he remembered coming, the world seemed all right again.