The Real Threat to Writers is Not AI, It’s Octopi
Predicting the Downfall of the Human Monopoly on Writing
Submitted by Clark Cobblestone
A lot of writers are worried about the development of Artificial Intelligence. They are worried it will become too advanced and it will take all the writing jobs. Let me calm your nerves a bit. I have looked at the research extensively. The problem with this theory is that AI has no capacity for creativity. They reuse the same tired tropes in the same tired manner. It may produce some slop just colorful enough to steal a few minutes of our time, but it will never create something truly groundbreaking. Unfortunately, I do think writers stand on shaky ground. It’s just not due to AI. The real threat is Octopi. These slimy little bottom feeding bitches are considered by many the smartest creature on Earth bar the human. If they ever get a proper grasp on language, I fear the human monopoly on publishing is over. As you all know, Octopi have eight arms. It’s in the name. This allows them to hold eight pens at once. This may not seem like a big deal at first; most humans have two and it doesn’t double our capacity to write. Both arms are used to write a single story at any given time. Why would it be any different for an octopus? What you may not know is that they also have nine brains. One in each arm plus a big kahuna in the middle. This allows each arm to work independently. This means each arm of an octopus could be writing its own story simultaneously. Do you understand the repercussions of this fact? An Octopus’s creative output is eight times that of a human! There is no possible way our species can compete with that. We will be drowned out of the market. Not to mention that an Octopus never even has to take a moment of pause to run out to Michaels. These freaky fuckers produce their own ink! If their Bics ever start running dry they can refill them using their own bodies. That’s not fair! I was kicked out of Cornell for trying to write with my own fluids!
We already know these creatures are clever. We’ve seen them solve puzzles, open locks, use tools, and set traps for prey. It’s only a matter of time before they are outwitting the likes of Emerson and Thoreau. Skeptics push back, saying that Octopi don’t live long enough to mature into prop-er writers. I’ve heard my colleagues claim the cephalopods would be dead before they could even finish grad school. This blind optimism doesn’t account for the very obvious fact that the col-or-changing cunts mature at a much faster rate. This actually works in their evolutionary favor, as they will quickly progress through generations of literary advancement. They will write their magnum opuses in just a few years time.
What can we do about it? I’m not sure. We have already allowed evolution to go too far. Perhaps all we can do is delay the inevitable. Next time you go out for dinner, consider ordering calamari and lemon wedges.