Hello readers! Thanks for tuning in to the local edition of The Squeeze, where we cover smaller stories across the state of Florida. This post comes in addition to our next Monthly Recap to be released November 1st. I’d like to thank our correspondent for covering many of the events below. We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Stay informed,

Graeme

Local Stories:

Fingernail Clipping Crashes Through Window, Kills 10

Winter Park, Florida

Tragedy ensued last Thursday when local man, Dave Rudd attempted to groom himself in his Winter Park apartment. Rudd reported that after months of chewing on his fingernails he had finally ordered nail clippers in a vain play for respectability. Rudd confessed that he had forgotten about the dangers of grooming and carelessly began clipping over a bin in his living room. He was consequently unprepared when a jagged bit from his index finger flew across the room and crashed out his window, gaining boomerang-like momentum, and slicing the throats of ten innocent bystanders.

Reactions can be heard in a viral social media video which captured the chaotic scene. “Ew!” One voice exclaims. “So much blood!” Says another. “Forgot the blood! That was like a nail that flew by. It could have touched me!” The first voice retorts.

A nearby journalist arrived in time to speak with many of the victims. Most seemed preoccupied or refused to comment, but one woman effected had this say:

Terrorist Toddler Taken To Detention Center For Saying ‘Goo Goo Gaza’

Naples, Florida

18 month old Ashleigh Maryanne Jones was taken to a federal detention center last week after her parents witnessed signs of far-left Hamas terrorism. During their typical Taco Tuesday dinner, she said “Goo goo Gaza,” a well-known rallying cry for the Hamas terrorist organization. Her parents quickly called law enforcement to report the threat. The arrest comes as an alarming amount of young Americans have gained ties to the organization.

When masked federal agents attempted to arrest Ashleigh, she refused to drop her weapon, putting the police in a life-threatening situation. The standoff lasted 20 minutes before Ashleigh finally relinquished her deadly GoGo SqueeZ fruit sauce, which suggested inside knowledge of Police Chief Anderson’s apple allergy, likely obtained by an organized counter-intelligence team.

The police struggled to handcuff Ashleigh as she evaded arrest by expertly slipping them off her wrist. While army-crawling away from officers and finding cover behind a barricade of alphabet blocks, Ashleigh detonated a lethal biochemical weapon in her diaper. After she ignored the officer’s orders to “release the hostages” and “relinquish any weapons,” it ultimately took six agents and two tasers to apprehend her. Police Chief Anderson called this the most important and successful arrest in the history of counter-terrorism.

Authorities are warning parents to keep an eye out for signs of radicalism brewing in their children. Warning signs can include rally cries like “Goo-goo Gaza,” symbolically snacking on Watermelon, and watching Ms. Rachel on YouTube.

DeSantis Pledges No Child Will Die From Mass Shootings Ever Again If Polio Kills Them All First

Tallahassee, Florida

In a press conference on Friday, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, alongside RFK Jr., promised that school shootings are a thing of the past. Enough is finally enough. Looking out over the sea of students and parents, DeSantis revealed a brave and unprecedented policy that would ensure the end to their fear and heartbreak. The “School Security and Safety Act” would ban all vaccine mandates in the state, giving back their freedom to catch polio, measles, mumps, tetanus, chicken pox, hepatitis B, and pneumococcal conjugate.

In a heartfelt speech, Desantis said, “With children now expressing their God given right to die by preventable disease, there will be no kids left here to get shot. Or to do the shooting. This is a beautiful day to be an American.”

Old Man Seen Trying To Zoom On Phone Camera For Eight Minutes Straight

Orlando, Florida

On October 16th, during the Orlando Magic’s NBA game against the New Orleans Pelicans, 78 year old fan James Carmichael was seen attempting to zoom in on his phone camera to take a picture of the court. He was spotted tapping on the center of his Galaxy S5 camera screen and swiping up, as if to scroll down a webpage. Nothing happened, since he failed to pinch the screen and expand his fingers in the same way we have universally zoomed in on smart phones since the iPhone was released 18 years ago. Investigators are stumped as to how Carmichael missed this development, even at 78 years old.

Onlookers watched in the stands as Carmichael repeated the same action, swiping up and tapping the screen and swiping up again in a futile attempt to zoom. The teenagers behind him reported disbelief when Carmichael entered his 6th straight minute of attempting the same methodology without ever stopping to consider that he might be doing something wrong.

At last, he closed the camera application and opened it back up. Then he swiped up again, but at least he had tried something new by restarting the application. The curious teens wondered if he would simply ask one of the basketball fans sitting next to him, but he did not. At minute eight, which is actually a really long time to sit on your phone making the motion, Carmichael finally turned off his device and gave up on preserving the memory.

Local Man With “We The People” Bumper Sticker Can’t Name Any Constitutional Amendments

Panama City, Florida

Declaring himself a “true defender of liberty,” wearing an American flag visor and eating a Freedom Dog at a gas station, local man Derek Mullins, 52, shocked reporters on Tuesday when he failed to name a single constitutional amendment. Instead, he confidently listed “the right to party” and “the right to have these guns” while flexing his biceps.

“The Constitution is simple,” Mullins explained. “It says, fuck taxes, guns forever, and no females in the army. Everything else is just extra pages they put in to make it look official.”

When pressed further, Mullins insisted the Third Amendment gave him the right to “own at least one wolf.” He also claimed the Fifth Amendment allows him to “chug a beer before driving as long as I don’t hit nothin.”

When asked which constitutional amendment freed slaves or gave women the right to vote, he said “That’s government overreach and was probably written by Commies.”

When accused of being a fake fan of the constitution, Mullins became agitated, saying he’s a pure blooded American and he’s read plenty of memes about it on Facebook.

Coworker Stands Way Too Fucking Close

Jacksonville, Florida

Last Tuesday local woman Janice Neighbors, 23, confirmed that her coworker stands way too fucking close. She told the press it wasn’t just one time either. Reportedly, the man, who is nearly 50 and should have learned how to stand next to someone by now, is determined to hover within the personal bubble of Neighbors whenever he has a question for her that could have been asked from his own desk just a few feet away. Witnesses say Neighbors has done everything short of telling the man to mind his own fucking business or to sit down and stay away. Neighbors said she would have a more direct conversation with him if he wasn’t a threatening older man who was also generally awful to talk to. She later added, “It’s irritating in the same way that chewing gum with an open mouth is irritating. If we weren’t emergency dispatchers I would stab him. Unfortunately, that would just give me more work to do.”

Man Forgets to Start Apple Watch During Workout, Kills Himself

Boca Raton, Florida

Local fitness enthusiast and steroid dabbler, Jason Karb was found dead inside an LA Fitness early Thursday morning. Karb was well known by the gym staff and clientele. He regularly went to the gym at 5am and 7pm everyday to ensure he closed his Apple Watch activity rings.

According to witnesses, Karb got off the treadmill around 8:30 and looked down at his watch to realize that he had never even started his workout timer. It wasn’t tracking his calories or heart rate or distance. Witnesses heard him cry out “IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING” and watched as promptly strangled himself with the treadmill’s safety rope and clip.

“Yeah he lifted”, the front desk attendant said, choking back tears, “his quads were on some next level shit.”

“I’m really going to miss him creepily staring at me from across the gym while I did my seated hip abductors” shared a shaken female gym-goer, “I loved how he always tried to talk to me while I had my headphones on.”

The funeral service and wake will be held on Sunday morning at the gym during hot yoga.

Feeling dejected about the tribulations of his personal life, local man Hunter Parsons decided he wasn’t going to sit alone at home feeling sad anymore. Instead, he opted to spend $150 to be sad downtown. “Since everyone I knew was busy I figured I’d go out and make a few new friends,” Parsons said, spilling an overpriced cocktail on himself as strangers pushed past him. “It turns out most people downtown already have friends.” He stared listlessly into space for several minutes.

We caught up with Parsons later that night sitting alone on the damp concrete outside a dance club. He reported that the biting loneliness in his stomach was a bit less noticeable now that he was cold and dizzy and unable to afford an uber ride home.

Office Detective Brick Harrington has reported no leads on the case of which asshole keeps taking all the good pens home. In fact there has not been a significant development since the case was opened in early June. Detective Brick Harrington is rumored to be on the brink of giving up, though he refused to say that to the press. “It’s a tough case but I’m not through yet. Some asshole is definitely taking these pens home.” Brick said with a sigh. “They don’t just get up and walk away.”

The detective revealed that the office’s security cameras have been inoperative for the past fifteen years even though the comms department is tasked with an annual systems review.

At this time the comms department has declined to comment.

As the day wore on Brick shared that he has been able to make one deduction. “All I know is that it’s not Stacy. For some God forsaken reason that lady deliberately uses the bad pens. She prefers them! Imagine that! Using a dry ass stic pen when gel ink is available.”

Bedridden Elder Only Wishes His Screen Time Had Been Higher

The Squeeze sat down with old fuck, Eugene Hammond to see what it’s like to be so close to death. Here’s what he said when asked if he had any regrets.

I have great memories with my family and friends. I remember traveling the world and going on grand road trips. I remember meeting new people at the University of Michigan in the 60s. I was part of some of the Vietnam War protests. That was fairly fulfilling. When I got married and had children I tried to spend as much time with them as I could. I worked a lot but I made seeing them a priority. That’s all great. I’m happy to have those memories. I just wish I had seen more podcast clips stitched above AI generated subway surfer gameplay. There are so many podcasts out there I never watched fractions of. I wish I could have consumed more 60 second chunks of content throughout a night of what would have otherwise been uninterrupted sleep. I wish I got to see more deep fried edits of TV shows I’ll never watch. The ones with music drowning out the dialogue. I’m sure everyone gets to the end of their life and wishes it was longer. That they had a chance to do things differently. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. I regret never developing body dysmorphia on Instagram or getting radicalized on Twitter.

How One Mother is Making Homeschool Feel More Real

Cindy Lipowitz is a burgeoning internet celebrity and self proclaimed “Parenting Influencer.” She advocates for gentle parenting and building trust with your children. At the same time she believes it is crucial to be involved and has become a recent champion of Homeschooling. The Squeeze reached out and asked her to make her case.

Cindy’s Response:

When my kids first switched to homeschooling, it was uncomfortable. There was a casual nature to it all that made it difficult for them to take it seriously. On top of that, they were alone. They weren’t getting all the socialization necessary to raise healthy kids. Extracurriculars helped. I signed them up for sports, clubs, and theater troupes but something was missing. Part of the problem was the lack of other students. I’ve found, at least for my children, that working with other homeschooled households in the community helps tremendously. Most parents are more than happy to each tackle a certain subject, fractioning everyone’s prep work and offering your children classmates. The other piece I found to be missing was the imminent danger of it all. Kids just can’t take school seriously anymore without the threat of death around every corner. Once again, community is the easiest solution to this problem. I have found that even the parents who don’t like sharing their lesson plans are happy to open fire on your kids. I busted down the Sinclaire’s door last Monday since Mabel didn’t have time to pick up any ammunition over the weekend. I was glad to do it. That’s what neighbors are for.

Now while I think it’s the best way to give your kids a proper education, I recognize homeschooling is not for everyone. Homeschooling takes up a lot of your life and it can be exhausting at times. Teaching is a full time job, after all. However, I believe homeschooling a child is easier than it’s ever been. There are tons of resources online and office supply stores allow you to grab everything you need to teach in one place. I bought this M4A1 Carbine at Staples last week while I was out to pick up some dividers. Originally I had planned to get the AR but it was just too big for my little hands. The kids don’t seem to notice any difference. Despite the many challenges, it’s the look on their faces that make it all worthwhile.

What is going to be the biggest trend of the year?

No because like self-immolation is going to be SO in. Trust me. Every year people say my predictions are crazy, but I’ve never been wrong. When I said skinny jeans were out five years ago people lost their goddamn minds. But my predictions use data, babe. It’s a science.

What exactly is self-immolation?

Um only like the most extreme form of protest? By setting yourself on fire? To make a political statement? You don’t know? Girl, let me put you on. It’s cunty. It’s sexy. It’s brat. It literally dates back centuries so it’s also vintage!

How do you know this is going to be the hottest new trend?

Haha you’re funny, girl. I like you. Hottest? Get it? Listen, in 2024 seven people self-immolated in the United States. SEVEN! Mostly in protest of like the genocide in Gaza or inhumane conditions within US prisons or whatever. In the past decade it’s only been like one every other year. FASHION ALERT! That’s a growing trend bestie.

But listen fashionistas, the best time to do this is NOW while it’s still up and coming. You will become The. Trend. Setter. Trust me, you do not want to hop on this trend when Shein and Temu start selling self-immolation kits. That would just be embarrassing. Once this hits peak micro-trend it will start giving virtue signaling, not mysterious chic activist coded.

Is this safe?

Is it safe? Be fucking for real. Are BBL’s safe? Is Ozempic safe? Beauty is pain. No one gave a shit when bulimia was in during 2003. Why should lighting yourself on fire to promote a burgeoning political revolution be any different?