Just hours later the FBI’s Feelings Police raided the home of a 15 year old gamer who called Kash Patel gay on Fortnite.

The new app ShootRoute is making waves across the United States. It’s the latest addition to the growing gig economy, which features tech giants like Uber, Lyft, and Doordash.

ShootRoute moves beyond transportation and delivery services, allowing users to commit domestic terrorism from the comfort of their own home. It’s a revolutionary development for everyone who wants to participate in America’s latest pastime, mass homicide, but can’t be bothered to get out of bed.

ShootRoute allows users to post addresses to the app and then offers those addresses to gig workers in the area. Initial ratings have been very high. “For a brand new app,” one user wrote on his Apple Store review, “It’s extremely user friendly. And the UI looks great.”

The success of their launch is in no small part thanks to big name investors like Kevin O’Leary1, who gave the startup enough capital to ensure the app was polished.

“These aren’t expensive black market assassins.” ShootRoute CEO Herman Walters boasted at the application’s launch party. “These are your friends and neighbors who have back pain and alimony and who have been systemically desensitized to violence over decades.”

Currently the app has restrictions on what sort of addresses users can submit. It primarily allows users to target the public sector and nonchristian-orthodox religious institutions. Live entertainment shows are also a popular choice. ShootRoute’s public relations team has stated that these restrictions are in place to discourage extremists from requesting attacks that may threaten valuable human life. “The last thing we want is another UnitedHealthcare situation. We simply hope to profit off events like the 302 mass shootings that have taken place since then.”

A heartwarming story has gone viral out of San Antonio, Texas, after 8 year old Gavin Boyd kidnapped his Panamanian-American classmate to help his dad, a 32 year old ICE Agent, reach his Summer detention quota. Reports say the third grader beat his classmate, Daniel, over the head with his multiplication tables until he fell unconscious. The young boy then tied him to the back of his bicycle with a jump rope and dragged him home to his father, who takes Mondays off to drink.

Following a segment on snowcones, Gavin appeared on San Antonio’s Morning Show, telling of his father’s exciting job denying constitutional protections, donning a ski mask and breaking into people’s homes to put them in cages. Gavin said his father promised to buy him anything he wanted from the store if he reached his detention quota for the season. “It’s harder for him than others,” Gavin explained. “Since he takes Mondays off to drink.” So little Gavin decided to help his pops out, by beating his classmate, Daniel, over the head with his multiplication tables, tying him to his bicycle with a jump rope, and dragging him home to his father.

Reporters spoke with Gavin’s father, Derek Boyd, to get his perspective, on Monday. For clarity we’ve excluded most of Agent Boyd’s burps, stutters, and stammers.

“Basically I says to the kid lookie here bubba, Daddy needs some muchachos and he needs em quick cuz Summer’s wrappin up. But if I pulls this off, I tells him, we’s goin out and yous gonna be picking anything ya want from the Super Target up on Blanco Street cuz we’s gonna be rollin I tells him. I mean these bonuses are crazy since that beautif— beautifa— beautefan— since that big bill went through. Like, crazy! Anyways, next thing I knows hes brings me this kid from school and sos I puts him in the shed and calls my director. Turns out the kid’s a freakin Merican citizen. USA I mean. That always gives us a laugh. But it don’t matter much really. We sends him off anyways and I hits my quota! Ha! Good kid I gots.”

Daniel is now living (probably) in a detention center somewhere in or near Texas. We tried contacting ICE to find out where exactly he is being held but no one seems to know how to access that information. Or whether it exists at all.

He’s probably fine though.

America is a good country.

We do good things.

Trump Diagnosed With Chronic Virtue Insufficiency

President Trump has been diagnosed with Chronic Virtue Insufficiency, a disease in which morals have difficulty developing and moving throughout the body—often getting caught up in the legs.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has described his condition as “benign” and “common.” Much of Trump’s base also suffers from the condition, for instance. However later stages of the disease can become dangerous, and the White House may be downplaying the severity of Trump’s specific case. President Trump has recently been photographed with swollen ankles and legs, as well as makeup covering discolored skin. These symptoms suggest the President may have already entered stage 3 or 4 of the disease.

The big risk with late stage Chronic Virtue Insufficiency (CVI) is clotting. This risk is exacerbated by Trump’s age. Younger patients have an easier time burning off unused empathy because their metabolism is stronger, but at eighty years old it is much more likely that discarded virtues pool and clot.

Medical experts around the country are validating the claims. “Things are beginning to make sense again.” One expert wrote on X. “My colleagues and I have been dumbfounded by the President’s irreverence for the wave of death he has created. Between the USAID cuts, the foreign missile strikes, the financing of Israel’s regional genocide, and the careless foreign and domestic detention of unconvicted abductees, everyone has been asking where the President’s morals are. Now we know that they are simply all clumped up in his legs.”

CVI can also be tied to a weak or shallow heart. It is widely believed that the historical figure, The Grinch, suffered from CVI prior to undergoing an experimental medical procedure involving a deep comprehension of the true meaning of Christmas. The White House is looking into this as a potential option for the President.

Out of an abundance of caution White House physicians also tested Vice President JD Vance, but said they have found no signs of CVI. Expectedly, however, they confirmed that the Vice President suffers from a complete absence of soul or spine.

Democrats Scoop Out Eyeballs And Plow Forward On New Podcast

Following democratic-socialist underdog Zohran Mamdani’s decisive victory in New York City’s Democratic mayoral primary, established Democrats have received a lot of noise about where to take the party next. In order to remain focused, party leaders like Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries have scooped out their eyeballs, burnt off their fingertips and drilled two-inch flat head screws into their eardrums. They are now plowing ahead on production of their new podcast, Party Over Politics, a show focused on breaking through the dichotomy of good versus evil in favor of very little at all. Democratic staffers have stated that by stripping themselves of a majority of senses, party leaders can finally avoid the petulant distractions hurled at them by their voting base. Free from their constituents, Democrats can continue their vital mission to recapture young men by implementing more casual misogyny into their messaging. “This is best done through a podcast nobody will know about or listen to.” Hakeem Jeffries told reporters loudly and in no particular direction.

Majority of Americans Agree Iran War Is A Necessary Consequence For Algebra

“It’s true that we’re concerned about Iran approaching its 35th consecutive year being six days away from a nuclear weapon,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “But the majority of Americans know what this is really about. And they overwhelmingly agree. Iran—once Persia—needs to pay for inventing Algebra in the 9th century.”

Numerous pollsters show that Leavitt is correct for once (though journalists at The Squeeze didn’t bother to double check their math out of principle). Americans overwhelmingly agree that Iran never paid their debt for all those years American citizens have spent bored out of their minds in the 9th grade. “Numbers were perfectly good when we were just adding and subtracting them!” President Trump declared in his address to the nation. “Iran should have left them that way!”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu released a video on X backing Trump’s comments, stating, “What President Trump has said is true. This war is about whatever it was he said it was about. Definitely. Numbers, nukes, colonialism. Just keep the bombs rolling.”

Sure, advancements in mathematics have made nearly all modern luxuries possible, from freezers to cell phones to digital pornography. But does any of that really make up for the awful year we spent getting tyrannized by Ms. Clarkson and the quadratic fucking formula? Sixty five percent of Americans say no.

Trump To Hold Firm In Latest Decision To Change His Mind

Last Wednesday a reporter asked Trump for his reaction to the internet meme TACO—an acronym coined in reference to his tariff policies—which stands for Trump Always Chickens Out. As a response to the accusation that he is incapable of seeing his decisions through, Trump says he plans to hold firm in his latest decision to change his mind.

Polls show that citizens are relieved Trump is making decisions at the behest of internet memes, as their trust in institutions such as Instagram Reels and TikTok continues to surpass that of mainstream media. Trump’s popularity among fifth graders is also seeing a significant rise, with students saying they find his sensitivity to cyberbullying highly relatable. Although not everyone is thrilled. National security experts—not John Bolton or Marco Rubio, but you know, experts—have warned that the President’s reactionary tendencies may leave him vulnerable to international psyops. “We’re worried enemy states might get wise to the fact that the President is highly susceptible to an advance form of mind control colloquially known as ‘reverse-psychology.’” One official told The Squeeze. Close allies to the administration have denied the notion that Trump flip-flops at all, saying the President is pioneering a bold new “talk strong and carry a hollow stick” negotiation strategy.

Florida Teacher Fired For Treating Child As A Person

It is no great debate that children shouldn’t have agency. All modern societies understand that when a child brings up their alleged feelings on a matter, those feelings must be immediately cross checked with a parent or guardian. Only then can anybody know what a child is truly feeling. Despite what dangerous, radical, self-proclaimed “child advocates” say, an adult’s thoughts should always be prioritized above a child’s feelings. Parents knows when their children want or need to be hit, for example. Preteens and toddlers are too young for their cries of “no!” and “stop!” to mean anything. They are a lot like adult women in that way. Still, this universal truth hasn’t stopped Florida teacher Grace Singleton from wrongly treating a child like a person. Singleton, a fourth grade math teacher in Brevard County was fired last week for listening to ten year old Nicholos Sharp’s request to call him Nick. Singleton alledges that the young boy “prefers Nick” but administrators say Singleton did not recieve permission from Nicholas’s parents before capitulating to the student’s stated preference. “His birth name was written on her roll call,” says Hannah Sharp, Nicholas’s mother. “Which she deliberately ignored.” Nicholas’s father was similarly outraged, stating, “If we wanted him to be called Nick we would have put that on his birth certficate. But we didn’t. Because that name fucking sucks.”

The school’s Principal, Dr. McCormick, spoke out against Singleton in a statement he submitted to local papers. “The news that one of our teachers has made a student feel seen and heard has shook me to my core. I take full responsibility for allowing this injustice to occur under my leadership. The teacher in question is no longer working at Birthright Elementary and we are doing everything in our power to ensure that this will not happen again. I believe our track record overall to be an illustrious one. Over sixty percent of our student body go home with shorts full of piss and shit everyday. This is because our staff is committed to disregarding your children’s woke digestive claims—among all other claims—unless we can get in touch with a parent or guardian for verification and authorization.”

De-Extinction Scientists Are Bringing Back Exciting Ways To Get Torn To Shreds

Colossal Biosciences has announced their efforts to resurrect a variety of extinct animals including the dire wolf, woolly mammoth, and the tasmanian tiger, among others. Presumably, this is in an effort to bring back exciting old ways of getting torn to shreds. When mankind secured our place on top of the food chain two million years ago, the threat of being ripped apart by a wild critter, creature, or creepy crawler decreased drastically. It’s true that some regions of the globe—such as much of Australia and Africa—still possess corporeal monstrosities eager to punctuate man’s transient existence, however for the rest of the world death by beast is largely a threat of the past. On most continents today, man only needs to worry about weather catastrophes, disease, poison, or other man. Colossal Biosciences hopes to change that. Since the woolly mammoth became extinct 4,000 years ago, not a single human being has been stomped, trampled, gored or skewered by one. These are all objectively cooler and more exciting ways to die than weather and disease and all that. Through cutting edge research, genetic engineering, and restorative biology, Colossal Biosciences is working to make dying fun again.

Musk Reassures Trump That They’ll Find Other Reasons to Start Wars in Middle East if we Move From Gas to Electric Cars

Following Musk’s appointment as the head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), Trump and Musk met privately at Mar-A-Largo to discuss topics such as foreign affairs, sustainability, and penis length. The conversation allegedly grew heated when Musk asked Trump to subsidize electric cars over gas cars. Trump lashed out, shouting that oil is the only justification they have for killing brown children in the Middle East. Without it, he claimed, we wouldn’t be able to lie to the public about why we’re in so many wars.

Musk reassured Trump that there will never be peace in the Middle East -- even if they do start using electric cars. Musk claimed that there are many other fake reasons to start wars, like “terrorism” or “weapons of mass destruction” or “communism.” They could even make up a new one if they wanted or simply ramp up their collab with Netanyahu.

Despite the argument, Trump and Musk left the meeting in high spirits. Both exited the conference room smiling, a bit sweaty, and their shirts swapped. They told reporters that they look forward to their continued partnership throughout Trump’s term.

Lying Under Oath Charges Dropped for Trump Because He Had His Fingers Crossed Behind His Back Actually

As more and more of Trump’s legal cases seem to be disappearing in wake of his reelection, he has won another legal victory in his most recent case of lying under oath. The President got off on a legal technicality that we’ve all known about since childhood: crossing his fingers behind his back.

Although prosecutors claim they didn’t see him cross his fingers, Trump’s lawyer argued: “Even if you didn’t see it. He did. He pinky promises. He literally swears on his mothers grave. Which he doesn’t take lightly because he loves his mommy so much. Like SO much. And even if he didn’t cross his fingers, so what? Like why are you so obsessed with him? Are you in love with him or something? That’s gay. He’s rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you. Get a life.” All charges have been dropped.

Future Congressman Already Building Up Resume By Raping Classmate

“To be honest I didn’t really want to do it.” Derek Cunningham told reporters. “But I’m committed to being a vessel for change and I plan to follow in the footsteps of the people who have already done the job I want to do.”

Cunningham is not the only one who has been inspired by our elected officials. Following the results of the 2024 election, there has been a rise in reports of young boys acting presidential and grabbing the pussies of unsuspecting women.

JD Vance’s Wife Looks Stunning at the Inauguration in New All White Look

In recent years, the fashion at the Presidential Inauguration has been newsworthy in and of itself. Bernie Sanders made hand-knit mittens go viral in 2021 and Michelle Obama wore a show-stopping red gown in 2009. After seeing these politicians in stuffy suits and A-line skirts for years, it sure is nice to see them get a makeover every once in a while! Our stand-out at this year’s Inauguration was JD Vance’s wife, Usha Vance, in her new all-white look.

“She’s never looked more beautiful. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted from a wife”, JD Vance lovingly stated. “This past year has been hard on our relationship. It’s tough being in the spotlight. But she’s been my supporter through and through. Now we’re finally here and everything is white in the world—I mean, everything is right in the world”.

Median Housing Expense Actually Pretty Low if You Factor in the Homeless

As rent costs skyrocket across major cities, many are asking why representatives seem to be taking no substantial steps toward controlling the situation. The cost of living has increased across the nation, but in particular California, New York, and Florida are home to many of the most expensive metros. In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis tweeted in agreement with California Governor Gavin Newsom. Both representatives suggested the “national housing crisis” is largely overstated. Newsom pointed out that in all of these large metropolitan areas the average amount of money spent on housing is incredibly reasonable if the math correctly considers the growing population of houseless residents. In a quote tweet, DeSantis stated “For once Governor Newsom is correct. To pretend like millions of Americans don’t spend zero dollars a month to sleep on our streets is to deliberately skew the data right in front of our eyes.”

Elon Musk Probably Just a Hugo Boss Fan

Musk has received criticism online for his recent public appearances where he has appeared to be sporting full Nazi regalia. Some say this could be reflective of a cruel Hitlerian belief system. Defenders say Musk means well and is probably just autistic. If you spent any time with autistic people you would know they have all sorts of funny quirks like wearing swastikas and speaking at white supremacist rallies. If you’re on the fence, consider maybe the world’s richest man just appreciates the high fashion aesthetic of the Hugo Boss Company, which designed the outfits.

Florida House Moves to Replace Official State Flag with This Guy in Miami

Less Trees More Factories Could Have Prevented Palisades Fires

Experts and real estate executives agree encasing the Earth in concrete could stop future disasters and drive economic growth.

New UnitedHealthcare CEO Defends Self Against Threat of High Claim

“Gun violence in America has always been rampant,” says MSNBC reporter Becca Baer, “but I never thought it would take the life of someone who actually matters.” She expressed concerns after the assassination of the UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson. Like Baer, many people of stature are worried that the slaying will inspire copycat crimes. Radicals have already been seen protesting outside of Mangione’s courtroom. To thwart off threats of desecration, Thompson was buried in a preemptively piss covered grave.

“Ever since the murder,” says new UnitedHealthcare CEO, Tim Noel, “we’ve all been forced into a life of worry. Can you imagine going through life not knowing if you’ll live to see your next meal?” He spoke out at a New York charity event for executives in distress called Protect ED. “I hope we will return to normalcy soon. I pray the next shooting will be schoolchildren or blacks or some other people that don’t matter.” This emotional speech came just days prior to Noel’s run in on the New York City streets with a single mother of three who threatened Noel with a high claim that his company could not justifiably deny again. In a brave act of self defense of company margins, Noel gunned down the mother of three outside the Hilton Midtown. Shortly after he received additional threats from onlookers. In particular he heard alarming criticism from probable terrorist Scotty Acorn. Acorn told the executive he should treat others how he wants to be treated, while the mother bled out on the pavement. The six year old is expected to be tried as an adult and faces up to 15 years in prison for threats of terrorism and verbal assault.

Democrats Struggle to Find Next Worst Possible Candidate for 2028 Election

Sure, most current representatives are already corrupt, but so many of them are strangers to the general public. The real challenge for Democrats moving forward is finding a figure who is already wildly unpopular. Party strategists are hinting they may go all in on Liz Cheney. Though other members of leadership fear she may have too many opinions about how things should be run.

According to Nancy Pelosi, who has a lot of sway over internal politics, the DNC would prefer to back a candidate who is likely to have absolutely no impact on anything. “We fear President Biden—who had one neuron fire every hour—may have even done too much during his time in office. That’s one of the major reasons I made calls to oust him during this election cycle.” Pelosi told reporters. Though she gave him credit for at least not mentioning any of his economic achievements to the press or public. “Ideally our next candidate would go into a hibernation or cryo sleep immediately following the inauguration.” She continued.

Of course Democrats know the best way to ensure their party has no impact is to stay out of the Oval Office altogether. That is part of the reason they plan to bring back Hilary Clinton and Kamala Harris as high salaried campaign staffers in 2028. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer dispelled accusations of hypocrisy during a recent appearance on NBC News. When asked if staying out of office entirely allowed Republicans to make too much change in their absence, Schumer clarified, “We actually don’t mind Republican change so much. Fascism can be really useful to our donors and it helps us consolidate power too. It’s just a nasty thing to actually be the one implementing it.”

What to Expect from Trump 2.0

» New foreign policy strategy: negging.

» Invasion of Greenland to be declared as soon as Trump can find it on a map.

» Conservative leadership says trans women in the women’s bathroom is not something they want to see on the cameras they set up in there.

» Trump allies seek to overturn gay marriage believing the federal government should be the only one allowed to fuck you up the ass.

» Trump’s controversial cabinet picks may be hard to approve after receiving criticism that they don’t match the rest of the White House furniture.

» Innovative plan to lower the price of seafood by spilling oil all across the coast.

» Reports suggest Trump to start wearing chef hat for Elon Musk to fit inside.

» ICE to focus deportation efforts on criminals and anyone who looks at them funny.