News and Politics:

Taylor Swift Struggles To Maintain Modest Wedding Budget Of 2 Dragon Hoards

OCTOBER 5

Shedding her flesh and returning to her true form, the 40 foot, red scaled, fire-breathing pop star, Taylor Swift, told press that she and her concubine, Travis Kelce, were struggling to maintain their modest wedding budget of 2 dragon hoards.

“We’d really hate to draw from a third dungeon,” Swift said, stampeding through a village in search of new loot and song lyrics. “Even with gold hitting record highs, we’re really straining to be responsible here.” Paparazzi captured the moment her eyes sparked at the thought of losing even one of her mountains of riches.

Swifties have been quick to sympathize with the singer/songwriter/serpent, pointing out that hoards are like children to dragons. Though fans have expressed excitement over what this hardship could mean for her next studio album.

Looming over breadlines, Swift later remarked that is was impossible to decide between cutting the five story cake or the crab leg castle.

Hegseth Says Dead Fisherman Actually Three Cocaines In A Trenchcoat

OCTOBER 13

After another US airstrike offshore of Venezuela appeared to incinerate the tenth fishing vessel of the year, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth released a statement clarifying that all the fishermen on board were actually three cocaines in a trenchcoat.

According to the statement, “dastardly cocaines have long tried to fool American border patrol agents by making maritime passage into the United States under the guise of densely garbed fishermen.”

Other intelligence agencies have backed Hegseth’s claim, stating that cocaine is extremely crafty and learning to operate fishing vessels is something Venezuela should never have allowed it to do.

Hegseth goes on to write that the sudden disappearance of actual Venezuelan fisherman coinciding with the US strikes is a completely coincidental phenomenon. He warned that further speculation on the matter may play into ANTIFA-backed terrorist talking points and could result in visits from the FBI.

The Department of War’s twitter account later tweeted, “We must strike these cocaines before they strike us!”

AI Bubble Actually Just Soapy, Round, Iridescent Opportunity, Some Say

GENERAL

Content creators and independent journalists began sounding the alarms this month over fears that AI’s dominance over the US economy could be one giant bubble. Forecasters point to profits built entirely on speculation and cyclical business models, as well as warning that AI companies contributed to 92% of GDP growth in the first half of 2025. Not everyone is convinced, however. Legendary investor and avid cuckold Hobart Westchester Longfellow has called naysayers “luddites” who are “blind to potential.” Longfellow says that where others see a bubble, he sees a soapy, round, iridescent, opportunity.

“Sure it has all the signs of a bubble,” Longfellow told reporters from the corner of his 1000 square foot bedroom while watching his wife of 20 years get railed by an animatronic man called Clyde 4. “But AI is different. It’s intelligent. When the bubble would normally pop, we’ll ask it to decide not to.”

New Data Center Really Ties Abandoned Solar Farm Together

OCTOBER 19

Just a few months after President Trump’s cuts to clean energy allocations shut down a near complete solar farm in Nevada, which was expected to be one of the largest ever, Google has nearly completed the construction of a new Data Center being built a little to the left. Nevadans who were previously worried about all the wasted land, money, and potential, now rejoice at the sight of the nearly unmanned computational warehouse.

“That solar farm was starting to look pretty grim,” says resident Chris Ramírez. “But Google’s giant new energy consumption machine really ties the abandoned project together.”

Ramírez’s energy bill is expected to jump 20% once the data center begins operating. He says he looks forward to having a nice round number on his energy bill. “Two hundred dollars or so ought to look better coming out of my account anyway. Constantly paying one sixty seven and change always felt a little random.”

Trump Clarifies New Ballroom Just Going To Be A Place For His Nuts To Hang Out

OCTOBER 23

In a brief conversation with reporters outside the White House this month President Trump offered clarity on the White House Ballroom that is going to be replacing the historic east wing. He described the project as a necessary safe space for his balls to hang out. He told reporters that during his first term white house officials complained about his tendency to free hang even though he was “just trying to catch a little breeze.” He said the ball room was “considerate” and “a fair compromise.” Later Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt shared more details, including a resting podium with fine silk cushions, a warm water station, and wall to wall mirrors. When asked who else would benefit from the White House Ball Room, Leavitt said that for the safety and security of the president and the little presidents no one else would be granted access. Except for occasional “16 year old Mar-a-Lago masseuses” or “working ladies that haven’t peed in awhile.”

Pentagon Promises To Pay Military After Finding $20 Bill On Ground

OCTOBER 24

DOGE Cuts 50% of Population

OCTOBER 30

With SNAP funding set to expire November 1st, the Department of Government Efficiency, headed by Amy Gleason, is moving forward with a solution. To lighten the load on the administration’s heavily reduced social safety nets, DOGE is cutting 50% of the population. Gleason, who resembles a pencil-pushing pile of all the skin Kristi Noem discarded, says “I recently watched this movie called Infinity War. It’s a children’s show where a purple hero solves a resource crisis by cutting half the population. I thought, ‘Hey! Why doesn’t DOGE do that?’” Gleason says she has already thought of the perfect motto: Solving SNAP With A Snap. She goes on, “I mean, it would be so much easier to save money on lifesaving programs if we had half as many lives to save.”

Gleason says DOGE is still in the early stages of collecting all six infinity stones, but she looks forward to sacrificing a loved one for the soul stone in Vormir.

Public Discourse:

Bezos Says Millions Will Soon Be Living In Space

“They’ll mostly be living there because they want to.”

Cindy:

“Mostly?”

Fredrick:

“Are those the same millions living in dumpsters right now?”

Joseph:

“We’d be there in a year if liberals would shut up and just be slaves for a little while.”

Opinion: Donald Trump is Ruining Pancakes For Everyone

By Mimi St John Sinclaire, 83.

I could look pass the racism, 25 sexual assault allegations, -tempted coup, blatant disregard for the fifth mendment, direct defiance of court orders, scams conducted outta office, scams conducted in office, etcetera etcetera. Fact, I did overlook a great many these things when I voted for him in November. But Mr. Trump’s latest pronouncement is a bridge too far. 35% tariffs on Canada, he says. That orange fool is gonna ruin pancakes for everyone. Tariff the whole rest of the world for all I care! He started to. Didn’t bother me none. But leave Canada out of it. Reliable access to the world’s finest maple syrup is not something to muck around with. I don’t want to say the President has been compromised or tempted by Satan himself just yet but at some point you’ve got to stop and ask:

What in the high heavens?

A 35% surcharge passed onto consumers just looking for a decent stack of flapjacks? That’s devil talk. If this goes through I declare wholeheartedly that Mr. Trump will have lost my third term vote. I don’t care what Pastor Greggory has to say about it. He can go on voting for this wickedness and eat his dry doggone breakfast without me.

I pray to Jesus I’ll still be seeing my family in this dystopia. The grandkids stay with me every weekend but they ain’t gonna wanna come round no more if Meemaw’s perfectly light golden brown pancakes are served up plain as day. I sure as heck know they don’t show up for my good looks or southern charm. I’m an ugly bitch to be perfectly honest with you. And don’t you give no lip down in the comments talking bout using honey or PB or preserves on my pancakes. They ain’t proper toppings. Those toppings are queer as the LBGQ agenda. Whip cream and butter ain’t bad but whip cream and butter oughta go right on top the maple syrup. There’s no need to go messing with what works. Pure Canadian maple syrup works. It works like a dang charm. If Canada stops sending it down here or if I’m forced to pay exorbitant prices, so help me Jesus I’m going to do something drastic. I can feel the Lord working through me and He is P.O.ed. He’s speaking of the Great Flood and the biblical genocides again. Things He ain’t done in a long time. I hope you very well consider backtracking your position prior to August 1st, Mr. Trump. We’ve been trading with Canada since long before I popped out my ma. Back when her pussy was still wet and pink. Now she’s dead as a doorknob and my own pussy is dry as our pancakes gonna be. Queefing up dust mites and the like. Pardon my French but I am worked the hay up. Don’t muck around with a good thing. Praise Jesus.

Opinion: Republicans Need to Stop Giving Badass Names to Horrible Things

It’s getting confusing for me.

Alligator Alcatraz opened this past weekend in the Everglades. I was under the impression this was some kind of dope ass amusement park or escape room. To my shock and horror, it was actually a concentration camp that is going to destroy both lives of innocent people and the ecosystem of Florida. I have been fooled by these things before. In 2020, I was almost duped into thinking “All Lives Matter” was a beautiful slogan about equality. Nope, just a racist dog whistle. Pro-Life sounded to me like a powerful anti-suicide campaign that I was on board with until I found out it was an anti-abortion catchphrase. Hell, even the DOGE department sounded pretty epic to me at first. I love that funny dog.

As a country, we need to take action and stop the GOP from taking all the badass and misleading names for their programs. It’s time to act. I believe we are scaring away the Republican Party with scary acronyms and letters that may shock or frighten them. LGBTQ+ may just be too much for a corrupt 86 year old senator who yelled at Ruby Bridges in the 60’s. Instead, we should entice the boomers with terms like “Child that will not get pregnant or get anyone else pregnant on accident.” DEI is another blanket term that has these crotchety old weasels clutching their pearls. How about something like “making sure EVERYONE can help fund billionaires’ companies equally.” They got us with the pro-life one, I admit. I mean, then that makes us anti-life. A stellar strategic move on the part of the evangelical right. I think that pro-choice is a pretty solid workaround, but we can do better. Republicans love when things have a bold, vague label that sounds cool and hardcore, so how about something sick like “Operation Children’s Crusade.” It’s always in your best interest to pander to images of holy wars and needless violence against children. They actually throw money at that kind of stuff, so it might even work in our favor.

My point is, these right wing nuts have us beat in one specific area besides podcasts, and that is their naming conventions. I voted for Biden, but I have to admit sleepy joe was funny as hell. Fellow progressives, it’s time we step up our games and start speaking more like middle school boys who have a fathead of Aaron Rodgers on their wall. Remember fatheads? Anyways, I’m tired of getting duped by these GOP movements with cool names. But in other news, I hear there’s something that just passed called the Big, Beautiful Bill. There’s no way that can be bad, right?

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Which Virgin Will Be Next To Don The Silly Hats?

In a couple weeks 135 male virgins will gather from across the globe, ascending on Vatican City to lock themselves in the Sistine Chapel for a secretive sleepover. Their mission is to decide which virgin will be next to don their collection of silly hats. Tradition demands all the virgins wear red to the sleepover—not because they are brides at an Indian wedding or because they celebrating an adolescent girl’s first period. The color does symbolize blood though, the blood they are willing to shed in service of their faith. I’m sure that would include their uterine lining if they had any.

Between votes, the sleepover will consist of a mandatory device-detox and a series of heart-to-hearts. Votes may be held twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon at maximum. The virgin selected to wear the silly hats must receive a 2/3rds majority vote.

All Catholic bishops already have the privilege of wearing a variety of pretty goofy hats. So the stakes aren’t that high. Still, the pope is granted access to the biggest, shiniest, and silliest of them all. Pope Francis, who passed away on April 21, 2025, was famous for restraining his privilege. He opted out of opulence in favor of more humble headwear. He rocked that look and many progressives admire him for it. However, I am looking forward to a pope who might actually rival Heidi Klum at next year’s Met Gala.

All 135 virgins attending the vote are eligible for the position, so there is a wide spread of potential popes; a papal smear. We won’t know who is selected for sure until we see white smoke rising from the Sistine Chapel. This is part of a color coded signal system the church invented in 1914 and kept as a tradition because they thought it was cute. Black smoke means no pope yet. White smoke means prepare the drip.

Their decision is influenced by a variety of factors. Experts say the virgins want someone who is “papabile” or “pope-like.” What exactly this means in practice, I have no fucking idea. Another notable consideration is age. The virgins don’t want to choose someone who is too young for fear that they may hold on to the position for a really long time and we’ll never get to see someone new wear the hats. They also don’t want to choose someone too old because then they may have to reconvene in another two weeks when Epic Universe is opening in Orlando, Florida. The sleepovers are fun and all but they’re really time consuming and many of the cardinals already have tickets to meet Toothless.

Other privileges of the pope include riding in silly looking cars and becoming the absolute monarch of the smallest sovereign state on Earth.

Pixar Convicted of Illicit Abortion

The Squeeze has obtained insider documents of the court proceedings regarding the Supreme Court case Pixar Animation Studio vs. ACLU. After Pixar laid off almost 20% of their workforce in 2024, disgruntled workers began to seek the legal council of the ACLU. The ACLU is suing Pixar in a class action lawsuit for illegal late-term abortion. Yes, the company itself. Below you will find the ACLU’s prosecuting arguments from the case.

The Worst Person You Know is Doing Great

In particularly distressing times it can be reassuring to look at the world and observe a general karmic balance. The anthropocene is rampant with liars, cheaters, abusers, and assholes. Surely they will all eventually face their just desserts. A merciful God would send someone like Kevin Randolph, from my 8th grade civics class, spiraling into unending depression to be consumed by the deeply rooted despair within. Unfortunately, God is either dead or an alumnus of the same fraternity as Randolph because he’s doing great. But this article isn’t about Randolph, so don’t pity me. Pity yourself. We just got off the phone with your mother, who just got off the phone with the mother of the worst person you know and they’re doing great too. So that sucks. Your mother says they are earning triple your income at their father’s company with no previous work experience. Your mother seems to believe that they earned their position as a company consultant and is wondering why you aren’t having a similar level of success. You performed better than them in high school for Pete’s sake. You must not even be trying. The worst person you know, who is a white man, is optimistic about the future. He strongly believes America is returning to a country of traditional family values and his wife somehow believes the same. She blows him every day, once in the morning and once before bed. His dick is huge. He has traveled to Europe on multiple occasions and did not reflect on the political or cultural differences of these nations at all. He remains completely unaware of the very existence of American Foreign Policy. While he does not suffer from a total absence of morality, studies suggest all negative associations dissipate in their entirety the moment he looks away. This is also the case for those he has personally slighted. For example, after cheating on his previous girlfriend he did not enjoy witnessing the heartbreak he caused her. However, as soon as he remembered coming, the world seemed all right again.

Man Still Sharing Anecdotes Long After Coworker Has Killed Themself

Depicted above is Joseph Tarantino who was still engaged in conversation with Cody Neely’s lifeless remains when investigators arrived on scene. Police arrived at the life insurance office, where the two worked as sales reps, after receiving a call from an adjacent office which reported seeing legs dangling from the ceiling through the window. Tarantino was found telling Neely’s corpse that at his age, he was sleeping with more women than he could count and was eager to name their various nationalities even if they weren’t relevant to the story.

Investigators believe Neely was feeling trapped in a bad situation and decided to take his own life. Tarantino seemed not to notice as he had already been telling his stories for hours without any verbal feedback from Neely. Detective Harry Vegas actually believes the cadaver was likely more responsive than the 21 year old was in life. Fresh out of college, specialists are speculating that the young adult was likely unprepared for the level of ignorance that exists within most workplaces. After reviewing the office’s security tapes, body language experts believe that in addition to his sexual conquests, Tarantino told lengthy tales of his past jobs, college parties, and his impressions of other US States. Judging from the force with which Neely kicked the stool out from under himself, forensic experts also suggest Tarantino was recounting a variety of Fox News stories covered on the network this week. If true, Tarantino would have been explaining the structural problems with the immigration system and one specific instance of rape committed by an illegal immigrant three years ago. Tarantino is expected to be tried by Neely’s family for involuntary manslaughter. They are alleging Tarantino engaged in reckless and negligent rambling.

Submitted by Clark Cobblestone

A lot of writers are worried about the development of Artificial Intelligence. They are worried it will become too advanced and it will take all the writing jobs. Let me calm your nerves a bit. I have looked at the research extensively. The problem with this theory is that AI has no capacity for creativity. They reuse the same tired tropes in the same tired manner. It may produce some slop just colorful enough to steal a few minutes of our time, but it will never create something truly groundbreaking. Unfortunately, I do think writers stand on shaky ground. It’s just not due to AI. The real threat is Octopi. These slimy little bottom feeding bitches are considered by many the smartest creature on Earth bar the human. If they ever get a proper grasp on language, I fear the human monopoly on publishing is over. As you all know, Octopi have eight arms. It’s in the name. This allows them to hold eight pens at once. This may not seem like a big deal at first; most humans have two and it doesn’t double our capacity to write. Both arms are used to write a single story at any given time. Why would it be any different for an octopus? What you may not know is that they also have nine brains. One in each arm plus a big kahuna in the middle. This allows each arm to work independently. This means each arm of an octopus could be writing its own story simultaneously. Do you understand the repercussions of this fact? An Octopus’s creative output is eight times that of a human! There is no possible way our species can compete with that. We will be drowned out of the market. Not to mention that an Octopus never even has to take a moment of pause to run out to Michaels. These freaky fuckers produce their own ink! If their Bics ever start running dry they can refill them using their own bodies. That’s not fair! I was kicked out of Cornell for trying to write with my own fluids!

We already know these creatures are clever. We’ve seen them solve puzzles, open locks, use tools, and set traps for prey. It’s only a matter of time before they are outwitting the likes of Emerson and Thoreau. Skeptics push back, saying that Octopi don’t live long enough to mature into prop-er writers. I’ve heard my colleagues claim the cephalopods would be dead before they could even finish grad school. This blind optimism doesn’t account for the very obvious fact that the col-or-changing cunts mature at a much faster rate. This actually works in their evolutionary favor, as they will quickly progress through generations of literary advancement. They will write their magnum opuses in just a few years time.

What can we do about it? I’m not sure. We have already allowed evolution to go too far. Perhaps all we can do is delay the inevitable. Next time you go out for dinner, consider ordering calamari and lemon wedges.

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It is a tragedy that so many men who purport to love women grow up to fear them. I have heard too many stories of men who turn away from sex upon hearing a woman share that it is shark week in the nether lands. How is it possible that so many men frighten from a woman’s blood as if they have never pissed out any of their own? I know most of these men have come upon their own chest, sneezed into their hands, or lost a finger in their ass thanks to a cheap sheet of toilet paper. What is it about a woman’s fluids that finally makes men declare enough? My hypothesis is that the fear is rooted in the unknown. As a young man I was never offered any insights into the peculiarities of the female body. The sexual education courses I was granted spent no time explaining what was happening inside a woman. In Indianapolis they split boys and girls into separate rooms and showed us each distinct videos. I certainly feel I would have learned much more valuable information in the girls’ room. All our animation showed us boys was that we would be growing more hair soon and that some of us would get tall and long, while others would stay short and short. The animation assured us that all shapes and sizes were normal and okay, though even then, no one believed it.

What a tremendous waste of time. These were things I knew already. What I didn’t know was a damn thing about menstruation. I mean isn’t it a phenomenon for all female mammals? Nobody ever talks about that. How the hell do the apes cope with their periods? They share 99% of our DNA, yet I’m pretty sure there is no Tampax in the jungle. Nor are there any effective coping aids like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. These poor monkeys must be miserable. What do they do then? Is there one week a month where the rainforest rains red? Are biologists prepped for this? To this day I don’t know the answers to these queries. Take my ignorance as further evidence of the failure that is the American education system. The women I have loved have been forced to become my educators. They have shown me how a tampon is inserted and how a pad stays in place. It is on their behalf that the experience has been normalized and any fear I may have felt has been quashed. I want to encourage all men to educate themselves and chip away at their prejudice. The woman you love deserves to come whether or not her uterine lining has been, will be, or is being shed. Strap on a condom and get ready to enter the amazing world of period sex!

First of all, if I have not made it clear already, there is nothing to fear. Period sex is great. It’s just like regular sex but with finger painting. Oh no, now I get to do two of my favorite things at once? Now my sheets are going to look fucking awesome? Grow up. Period sex is a wonderful opportunity to express yourself creatively. Stimulate two heads instead of one. Draw a portrait of her face next to her face. Smudge your thumb across her forehead and sing the theme to The Lion King. Draw a cross on her for Lent and say a prayer together. The possibilities are endless!

Men should be put off by things that are actually gross, like cockroaches or touching the inside of a pumpkin. Blood is nothing. If you’re like me and you grew up drinking out of public school water fountains, then you’re already used to the taste of iron. Get down there and paint your face like you’re part of Sauron’s Army. Good sex is full of fluids anyway. A real sexual warrior leaves with one hand covered in snot and the other in near identical vaginal gloop. Besides, if an appropriate amount of nails are being pressed into your back, you won’t know which blood is yours and which blood is hers anyway.

Like all things, appreciating period sex is just a matter of considering the advantages. This is something I don’t think men have ever been very good at. It reminds me of when the “would you love me if I was a worm” meme was circulating the internet. So many men scoffed at the question and plainly said “no.” I would shout at my phone screen, “think of the advantages!” Rip your worm girlfriend in half and voila! Two girlfriends!

Anyway, I am getting distracted. There is one more thing you should keep in mind when pleasing your lovely lady this Valentine’s Day. Finish the job! I get it, once you’re done you’re ready to slump. Hip thrusts are exhausting. But it’s Valentine’s Day. For once, allow your girlfriend to have a fraction of respect for you. Go to CVS, pick up a vibrating bullet for $20 and whip it out towards the usual end of your lovemaking session. You know the part. That moment when you’ve finished but she’s not even close. That’s the perfect time. Let her hear the buzz and watch how excited she gets. I know it might sound emasculating to let this twenty dollar electronic make your woman scream, but at least it’s you holding the thing. It’s no different than letting ChatGPT write your college essays. At least you went through all the trouble of pushing the button. Sure, in reality you know very little about the subject at hand, but you got the assignment done when you could have just gone to sleep. That counts for something.

Besides, vibrators can be fun for you too. If you’ve never tried using a bullet on a woman’s clitorus, it’s a lot like lockpicking in Skyrim—which is still the best RPG minigame to date. You’ve got these two tools, one up top and one in the hole (the bullet and your fingers), and you’re just kind of moving things around a little until something clicks. You’ll know when it clicks. Two meaty legs will crush your hands like a trash compactor and the woman you love will get very loud and frightening. Do not be alarmed. This means you have won. This is the equivalent of the chimes that accompany skill leveling in Skyrim. You have gained experience and you are one step closer to becoming the Dragonborn.