Just hours later the FBI’s Feelings Police raided the home of a 15 year old gamer who called Kash Patel gay on Fortnite.

“She may have been coming right at me!” The obscured, unnamed agent stated. “In a few short blocks she could have been right at the foot of this parking garage. From there it would have taken her mere minutes to creep up six floors of cars and ram me!” The agent spoke mutedly through a full-body ghillie suit atop the gray concrete building.

While some critics have claimed that if the agent had time to assemble his Mk 22 sniper rifle, check the wind conditions, establish aim, and steady his breathing, he likely had time to move away from the vehicle, others have pointed out that agents can’t always be expected to make perfect decisions in these high pressure situations. It’s also worth mentioning that two weeks prior to the shooting the unnamed agent watched Stephen Spielberg’s breakout film Duel for the first time and has been having nightmares about tanker trucks ever since. And the slain mother’s 2014 Nissan Quest sort of has a long nose like a tanker truck. So you can’t really blame the guy for being a little cautious. Additionally, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has stated that the deceased was an active leader of an organized group of radicals known as the PTA.

While she didn’t explicitly explain the acronym, it could possibly stand for something Spanish.

Upon leaving the scene, more startled agents were seen gunning down a defiant baby carriage that appeared to be rolling their way.

OUT: Obamacare Subsidies, American Hegemony, Taiwan

2026 is off to the races. In just one week Donald Trump has sent troops to occupy and overthrow regimes in both Venezuela and Minneapolis.

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has defended the administration’s swift and violent action in Venezuela, telling Americans “We must be willing to treat criminal regimes like Maduro’s as brutally as we would treat our wives.”

This comes at a time where Hegseth is still under investigation for air striking an alleged drug boat twice in September of last year, in an apparent attempt to kill the survivors of a neutralized vessel. But to be fair, Hegseth was seeing double at the time.

With so much uncertainty in the new year air, I want to prepare readers for at least a few upcoming stories. The following infographic shows some of the headlines you should expect to see.

Reference:

1. ICE Launches Youth Chapters Aimed At Shooting Women In The Face

2. AI Chatbot Leads Decentralized Murder Cult

3. Polymarket Launches Polymarket Kids

4. Investors Dump Gold, Go All In On Beef

5. Septum Piercings Reclassified As Terror Symbol

6. Eugenics Rebranded As Genetic Choice

7. Netflix Acquires FTC

8. Coach Launches Designer Nose Line

9. ‘One Piece’ Banned Across Regimes

10. Pentagon Implements Fatty Liver Standards

11. Rural Man In Medical Debt Just Glad Exxon Doing OK

12. Earth Splits In Two

13. Mass Shooting (free space)

14. Elon Musk Enters K-tosis

15. Riyadh Hosts AVN Awards

16. Scientists Announce Lab Grown Organ Donors

17. Tech Companies Launch Free Speech Subscriptions

18. Lookmaxxers Clash With Christians, Mog Beta Christ

19. Kash Patel Sneeze Pops Eyes Like A Pug

20. DNC Updates Party Platform To Picture Of Thumbs Up

21. Oatmeal and Gravel TikTok Recipes Surge

22. Roaches Praised As More Affordable House Pet

23. Juul Partners With BP To Produce Mango Flavored C02

24. Antitrust Division Admits It Thought Job Was Preventing Public Trust

25. Trump Trips Over Neck Folds

    ---

News and Politics:

Taylor Swift Struggles To Maintain Modest Wedding Budget Of 2 Dragon Hoards

OCTOBER 5

Shedding her flesh and returning to her true form, the 40 foot, red scaled, fire-breathing pop star, Taylor Swift, told press that she and her concubine, Travis Kelce, were struggling to maintain their modest wedding budget of 2 dragon hoards.

“We’d really hate to draw from a third dungeon,” Swift said, stampeding through a village in search of new loot and song lyrics. “Even with gold hitting record highs, we’re really straining to be responsible here.” Paparazzi captured the moment her eyes sparked at the thought of losing even one of her mountains of riches.

Swifties have been quick to sympathize with the singer/songwriter/serpent, pointing out that hoards are like children to dragons. Though fans have expressed excitement over what this hardship could mean for her next studio album.

Looming over breadlines, Swift later remarked that is was impossible to decide between cutting the five story cake or the crab leg castle.

Hegseth Says Dead Fisherman Actually Three Cocaines In A Trenchcoat

OCTOBER 13

After another US airstrike offshore of Venezuela appeared to incinerate the tenth fishing vessel of the year, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth released a statement clarifying that all the fishermen on board were actually three cocaines in a trenchcoat.

According to the statement, “dastardly cocaines have long tried to fool American border patrol agents by making maritime passage into the United States under the guise of densely garbed fishermen.”

Other intelligence agencies have backed Hegseth’s claim, stating that cocaine is extremely crafty and learning to operate fishing vessels is something Venezuela should never have allowed it to do.

Hegseth goes on to write that the sudden disappearance of actual Venezuelan fisherman coinciding with the US strikes is a completely coincidental phenomenon. He warned that further speculation on the matter may play into ANTIFA-backed terrorist talking points and could result in visits from the FBI.

The Department of War’s twitter account later tweeted, “We must strike these cocaines before they strike us!”

AI Bubble Actually Just Soapy, Round, Iridescent Opportunity, Some Say

GENERAL

Content creators and independent journalists began sounding the alarms this month over fears that AI’s dominance over the US economy could be one giant bubble. Forecasters point to profits built entirely on speculation and cyclical business models, as well as warning that AI companies contributed to 92% of GDP growth in the first half of 2025. Not everyone is convinced, however. Legendary investor and avid cuckold Hobart Westchester Longfellow has called naysayers “luddites” who are “blind to potential.” Longfellow says that where others see a bubble, he sees a soapy, round, iridescent, opportunity.

“Sure it has all the signs of a bubble,” Longfellow told reporters from the corner of his 1000 square foot bedroom while watching his wife of 20 years get railed by an animatronic man called Clyde 4. “But AI is different. It’s intelligent. When the bubble would normally pop, we’ll ask it to decide not to.”

New Data Center Really Ties Abandoned Solar Farm Together

OCTOBER 19

Just a few months after President Trump’s cuts to clean energy allocations shut down a near complete solar farm in Nevada, which was expected to be one of the largest ever, Google has nearly completed the construction of a new Data Center being built a little to the left. Nevadans who were previously worried about all the wasted land, money, and potential, now rejoice at the sight of the nearly unmanned computational warehouse.

“That solar farm was starting to look pretty grim,” says resident Chris Ramírez. “But Google’s giant new energy consumption machine really ties the abandoned project together.”

Ramírez’s energy bill is expected to jump 20% once the data center begins operating. He says he looks forward to having a nice round number on his energy bill. “Two hundred dollars or so ought to look better coming out of my account anyway. Constantly paying one sixty seven and change always felt a little random.”

Trump Clarifies New Ballroom Just Going To Be A Place For His Nuts To Hang Out

OCTOBER 23

In a brief conversation with reporters outside the White House this month President Trump offered clarity on the White House Ballroom that is going to be replacing the historic east wing. He described the project as a necessary safe space for his balls to hang out. He told reporters that during his first term white house officials complained about his tendency to free hang even though he was “just trying to catch a little breeze.” He said the ball room was “considerate” and “a fair compromise.” Later Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt shared more details, including a resting podium with fine silk cushions, a warm water station, and wall to wall mirrors. When asked who else would benefit from the White House Ball Room, Leavitt said that for the safety and security of the president and the little presidents no one else would be granted access. Except for occasional “16 year old Mar-a-Lago masseuses” or “working ladies that haven’t peed in awhile.”

Pentagon Promises To Pay Military After Finding $20 Bill On Ground

OCTOBER 24

DOGE Cuts 50% of Population

OCTOBER 30

With SNAP funding set to expire November 1st, the Department of Government Efficiency, headed by Amy Gleason, is moving forward with a solution. To lighten the load on the administration’s heavily reduced social safety nets, DOGE is cutting 50% of the population. Gleason, who resembles a pencil-pushing pile of all the skin Kristi Noem discarded, says “I recently watched this movie called Infinity War. It’s a children’s show where a purple hero solves a resource crisis by cutting half the population. I thought, ‘Hey! Why doesn’t DOGE do that?’” Gleason says she has already thought of the perfect motto: Solving SNAP With A Snap. She goes on, “I mean, it would be so much easier to save money on lifesaving programs if we had half as many lives to save.”

Gleason says DOGE is still in the early stages of collecting all six infinity stones, but she looks forward to sacrificing a loved one for the soul stone in Vormir.

Public Discourse:

Bezos Says Millions Will Soon Be Living In Space

“They’ll mostly be living there because they want to.”

Cindy:

“Mostly?”

Fredrick:

“Are those the same millions living in dumpsters right now?”

Joseph:

“We’d be there in a year if liberals would shut up and just be slaves for a little while.”

Hello readers! Thanks for tuning in to the local edition of The Squeeze, where we cover smaller stories across the state of Florida. This post comes in addition to our next Monthly Recap to be released November 1st. I’d like to thank our correspondent for covering many of the events below. We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Stay informed,

Graeme

Local Stories:

Fingernail Clipping Crashes Through Window, Kills 10

Winter Park, Florida

Tragedy ensued last Thursday when local man, Dave Rudd attempted to groom himself in his Winter Park apartment. Rudd reported that after months of chewing on his fingernails he had finally ordered nail clippers in a vain play for respectability. Rudd confessed that he had forgotten about the dangers of grooming and carelessly began clipping over a bin in his living room. He was consequently unprepared when a jagged bit from his index finger flew across the room and crashed out his window, gaining boomerang-like momentum, and slicing the throats of ten innocent bystanders.

Reactions can be heard in a viral social media video which captured the chaotic scene. “Ew!” One voice exclaims. “So much blood!” Says another. “Forgot the blood! That was like a nail that flew by. It could have touched me!” The first voice retorts.

A nearby journalist arrived in time to speak with many of the victims. Most seemed preoccupied or refused to comment, but one woman effected had this say:

Terrorist Toddler Taken To Detention Center For Saying ‘Goo Goo Gaza’

Naples, Florida

18 month old Ashleigh Maryanne Jones was taken to a federal detention center last week after her parents witnessed signs of far-left Hamas terrorism. During their typical Taco Tuesday dinner, she said “Goo goo Gaza,” a well-known rallying cry for the Hamas terrorist organization. Her parents quickly called law enforcement to report the threat. The arrest comes as an alarming amount of young Americans have gained ties to the organization.

When masked federal agents attempted to arrest Ashleigh, she refused to drop her weapon, putting the police in a life-threatening situation. The standoff lasted 20 minutes before Ashleigh finally relinquished her deadly GoGo SqueeZ fruit sauce, which suggested inside knowledge of Police Chief Anderson’s apple allergy, likely obtained by an organized counter-intelligence team.

The police struggled to handcuff Ashleigh as she evaded arrest by expertly slipping them off her wrist. While army-crawling away from officers and finding cover behind a barricade of alphabet blocks, Ashleigh detonated a lethal biochemical weapon in her diaper. After she ignored the officer’s orders to “release the hostages” and “relinquish any weapons,” it ultimately took six agents and two tasers to apprehend her. Police Chief Anderson called this the most important and successful arrest in the history of counter-terrorism.

Authorities are warning parents to keep an eye out for signs of radicalism brewing in their children. Warning signs can include rally cries like “Goo-goo Gaza,” symbolically snacking on Watermelon, and watching Ms. Rachel on YouTube.

DeSantis Pledges No Child Will Die From Mass Shootings Ever Again If Polio Kills Them All First

Tallahassee, Florida

In a press conference on Friday, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, alongside RFK Jr., promised that school shootings are a thing of the past. Enough is finally enough. Looking out over the sea of students and parents, DeSantis revealed a brave and unprecedented policy that would ensure the end to their fear and heartbreak. The “School Security and Safety Act” would ban all vaccine mandates in the state, giving back their freedom to catch polio, measles, mumps, tetanus, chicken pox, hepatitis B, and pneumococcal conjugate.

In a heartfelt speech, Desantis said, “With children now expressing their God given right to die by preventable disease, there will be no kids left here to get shot. Or to do the shooting. This is a beautiful day to be an American.”

Old Man Seen Trying To Zoom On Phone Camera For Eight Minutes Straight

Orlando, Florida

On October 16th, during the Orlando Magic’s NBA game against the New Orleans Pelicans, 78 year old fan James Carmichael was seen attempting to zoom in on his phone camera to take a picture of the court. He was spotted tapping on the center of his Galaxy S5 camera screen and swiping up, as if to scroll down a webpage. Nothing happened, since he failed to pinch the screen and expand his fingers in the same way we have universally zoomed in on smart phones since the iPhone was released 18 years ago. Investigators are stumped as to how Carmichael missed this development, even at 78 years old.

Onlookers watched in the stands as Carmichael repeated the same action, swiping up and tapping the screen and swiping up again in a futile attempt to zoom. The teenagers behind him reported disbelief when Carmichael entered his 6th straight minute of attempting the same methodology without ever stopping to consider that he might be doing something wrong.

At last, he closed the camera application and opened it back up. Then he swiped up again, but at least he had tried something new by restarting the application. The curious teens wondered if he would simply ask one of the basketball fans sitting next to him, but he did not. At minute eight, which is actually a really long time to sit on your phone making the motion, Carmichael finally turned off his device and gave up on preserving the memory.

Local Man With “We The People” Bumper Sticker Can’t Name Any Constitutional Amendments

Panama City, Florida

Declaring himself a “true defender of liberty,” wearing an American flag visor and eating a Freedom Dog at a gas station, local man Derek Mullins, 52, shocked reporters on Tuesday when he failed to name a single constitutional amendment. Instead, he confidently listed “the right to party” and “the right to have these guns” while flexing his biceps.

“The Constitution is simple,” Mullins explained. “It says, fuck taxes, guns forever, and no females in the army. Everything else is just extra pages they put in to make it look official.”

When pressed further, Mullins insisted the Third Amendment gave him the right to “own at least one wolf.” He also claimed the Fifth Amendment allows him to “chug a beer before driving as long as I don’t hit nothin.”

When asked which constitutional amendment freed slaves or gave women the right to vote, he said “That’s government overreach and was probably written by Commies.”

When accused of being a fake fan of the constitution, Mullins became agitated, saying he’s a pure blooded American and he’s read plenty of memes about it on Facebook.

Coworker Stands Way Too Fucking Close

Jacksonville, Florida

Last Tuesday local woman Janice Neighbors, 23, confirmed that her coworker stands way too fucking close. She told the press it wasn’t just one time either. Reportedly, the man, who is nearly 50 and should have learned how to stand next to someone by now, is determined to hover within the personal bubble of Neighbors whenever he has a question for her that could have been asked from his own desk just a few feet away. Witnesses say Neighbors has done everything short of telling the man to mind his own fucking business or to sit down and stay away. Neighbors said she would have a more direct conversation with him if he wasn’t a threatening older man who was also generally awful to talk to. She later added, “It’s irritating in the same way that chewing gum with an open mouth is irritating. If we weren’t emergency dispatchers I would stab him. Unfortunately, that would just give me more work to do.”

Man Forgets to Start Apple Watch During Workout, Kills Himself

Boca Raton, Florida

Local fitness enthusiast and steroid dabbler, Jason Karb was found dead inside an LA Fitness early Thursday morning. Karb was well known by the gym staff and clientele. He regularly went to the gym at 5am and 7pm everyday to ensure he closed his Apple Watch activity rings.

According to witnesses, Karb got off the treadmill around 8:30 and looked down at his watch to realize that he had never even started his workout timer. It wasn’t tracking his calories or heart rate or distance. Witnesses heard him cry out “IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING” and watched as promptly strangled himself with the treadmill’s safety rope and clip.

“Yeah he lifted”, the front desk attendant said, choking back tears, “his quads were on some next level shit.”

“I’m really going to miss him creepily staring at me from across the gym while I did my seated hip abductors” shared a shaken female gym-goer, “I loved how he always tried to talk to me while I had my headphones on.”

The funeral service and wake will be held on Sunday morning at the gym during hot yoga.

This month’s September recap will focus on National news and then midway through October we’ll be releasing a full collection of Local stories.

While their effects aren’t quite as far-reaching, I recommend tuning in as you may fine the subjects enlightening.

Whether we will continue to share two collections every month is to-be-determined. But thanks to my colleague we have enough prepared to pull it off next month.

Thanks again for reading,

Graeme

News and Politics:

Pumpkin Spice Fiends Awaken

SEPTEMBER 1

The eyes shot open this month on thousands of pumpkin spice fiends who have been hanging by their toes on damp cave ceilings since November of last year. They swarmed local boutiques and descended upon independent coffee shops like an auburn shadow.

Males can be seen garbed in thick wool sweaters and burnt orange beanies, while females are usually spotted in beige wide brimmed hats and cardigans. Occasionally the fiends are capable of blending in amongst regular humans but can always be identified by the eerie crunch of leaves echoing from their steps no matter the surface.

Experts say onlookers are welcome to take their families out to see the fiends but warn tourists to maintain a safe distance. While pumpkin spice fiends are not generally dangerous, those who engage in conversation with one may find themselves suddenly having their tarot read, on a date in some fucking farm two hours away from home, or talking about how the weather is finally cool for hours on end.

The fiends are expected to increase in number leading up to October 31st, after which sightings will rapidly decline, until all have returned to their yearlong hibernation.

Heartbroken Trump Learns Charlie Kirk Will Never Compliment His Ballroom

SEPTEMBER 10

BBL Renamed ABL

SEPTEMBER 12

Donald Trump signed an executive order this month renaming the popular cosmetic surgery known as the Brazilian Butt Lift to the American Butt Lift. The following is an excerpt from a conversation that took place between the President and a press pool outside the White House.

Trump: Why is it called BBL even when it is done here? Why should Brazil get any credit for our great asses when they have treated their own President Jair Bolsonaro so poorly?”

Press: Sir, we were asking about the death of Charlie Kirk.

Trump: Yes. They should be called American Butt Lifts! They are most famous on many fine, fine American girls. Beautiful girls. Girls that are good. Girls that are, look good.

Press: Are you saddened sir?

Trump: If you buy my new digital trading cards you will even be entered into a raffle for the first official ABL. A DJT-ABL.

Press: He was a friend of yours wasn’t he?

Trump: That’s right. You won’t even need liposuction. We’ll use my cankles.”

The Press did not know how to respond to this.

Trump: They’re beautiful cankles, really. The liberal media wants you to think they’re ugly, blood clotted cankles. Not true! They’re strong cankles. They’ll give you a great ass. A presidential ass.

Press: Mr. President, how are you supporting Kirk’s family at this time?

Trump: The surgery will happen right here on the lawn. It will be a white surgeon. White surgeon of course.

FCC Missteps, Attacks Rich Non-Hispanic Guy

SEPTEMBER 17

Upsetting what has otherwise been a relatively uncontested crackdown on freedom of speech amongst student protesters, visa holders, and minority advocates, Trump’s FCC made the mistake of attempting to threaten Late Night Talk Host Jimmy Kimmel, a rich non-Hispanic white guy.

Initially Disney conceded and took Kimmel off the air but establishment allies were quick to speak out. Disney+ subscribers—radicalized by Star Wars Andor—cancelled their subscriptions. Unsure of which direction to cower, Disney brought Kimmel back six days later.

No One Chosen During Rapture

SEPTEMBER 23

As predicted by Christian TikTokers across the platform, the Christian Rapture took place on September 23th and all of God’s chosen souls were sucked into the heavens for eternal rejoice.

Controversially the only soul chosen by the Lord was a single Bernese Mountain Dog named Luther, from Berlin. Reportedly the dog was a very good dog. However many have been quick to point out that most dogs are very good dogs and so perhaps there was some kind of mistake.

Witnesses say God attempted to clear up the confusion by writing a message in the clouds saying “There was no mistake. I just like Luther. Luther is the only one that did this holy life thing right.” However devoted Christians wonder if that wasn’t the devil trying to shake their faith and if there isn’t some kind of second rapture coming soon.

TikTok Acquisition Vital To Limiting Foreign Influence On Domestic Propaganda

SEPTEMBER 25

After a four year dance with China and TikTok, the United States announced they are finalizing a deal to transfer the majority of the application’s ownership to domestic investors. US representatives say this is a vital step to limiting foreign influence on domestic propaganda. Before TikTok exploded in popularity, US tech elites held a monopoly on all major social media sites and algorithms. Co-opting content moderation was a breeze. When TikTok entered the scene it gave rise to dangerously diverse perspectives and it limited intelligence agencies’ ability to effectively coordinate morally righteous PSYOPs.

Manufacturing consent is essential within a western democracy because in order to ensure civilians receive the changes they want to see we need to be able to decide what sort of changes we want them to want to see. The active collapse of traditional news outlets and broadcast media means that social networks are the future of these campaigns. With this in mind it’s quite clear why the United States is so desperate to maintain its digital hegemony. It is necessary to benevolently redirect public desire back in line with the sagacious needs of the state.

Netanyahu Warned To ‘Wrap Up’ Genocide

SEPTEMBER 30

The United Nations spoke sternly to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu this month, warning him to “wrap up” his little genocide.

“Bibi has always been a troublemaker,” one representative said, “which can be cute at times but has gotten out of control lately.” Netanyahu was warned that if he doesn’t stop the unrestricted killing soon the UN would begin counting down from three and “you don’t want to see what happens at three!”

Public Discourse:

RFK Jr And President Trump Say Taking Tylenol During Pregnancy Causes Autism

Cindy:

“That’s why when I was pregnant I just smoked the pain away.”

Fredrick:

“My mom took loads of Tylenol and I suck at math.”

Joseph:

“Probably true. Not vaccinating my kid saved my dead son from autism.”

Welcome to The Squeeze’s new Monthly Recap. Instead of sharing sporadic articles week by week, I hope to summarize the month’s most important stories all in one place. It will be released on the 1st of each month. The goal is to keep your inbox cleaner, give me time to work on graphics, and feel a lot more like flipping through a magazine.

Please let me know in the comments if you enjoy this format, or if I should return to irregularly bombarding your inbox.

Thanks,

Graeme

News and Politics:

The Count Lynched Outside US Labor Building

AUGUST 2

Convinced that he was a Democrat-appointed saboteur, the Trump Administration lynched The Count outside the US Bureau of Labor Statistics.

The Count, known for his legendary proficiency with numbers, was contracted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics to help with the monthly federal jobs report under President Joe Biden in 2024. Despite The Count’s insistence that the report’s numbers were accurate, Trump suggested that it was a communist hit job.1 President Trump is now taking steps to correct the jobs report by doing away with it entirely.

Tim Cook Gifts Trump Severed Head Of Fed Chair On 24k Gold Stake

AUGUST 6

Apple CEO Tim Cook met with President Trump in the White House to discuss the future of iPhone manufacturing. Before the conversation began, Cook gifted President Trump the severed head of Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell on a 24 karat gold stake. Cook told press that the gift was not intended to influence President Trump’s decision on the matter, or to solicit general favorability from the White House. He simply “wanted to give the President something nice.” Trump admired the lavish stake and then told Cook that interest rates will thank him for this, as will his mantle.

DC Military Parade Now Mandatory

August 11

Heartbroken by the reception of his DC military parade in June, Trump has decided to make the marches mandatory—and indefinite. The President hopes the parade will remind DC that he is big and strong and important.

More recently, Trump has shared plans to take the obligatory parade on the road. The National Guard will be deployed first to Chicago and then New York. He says the occupation is very different from martial law in that it is a fun parade first and authoritarian overreach second. The President also says he hopes the occupation will serve as a firm reminder to actually show up to his god damn birthday party next year.

Israeli Official Faces Up To Two Weeks In Room Following Child Sex Sting

AUGUST 18

Tom Artiom Alexandrovich, 38 year old Israeli cybersecurity official, was arrested by Las Vegas police in an undercover sting investigation for the sexual solicitation of a minor. Now the Israeli official may face up to two weeks grounded in his room—without video games—as punishment for the pedophilia. Alexandrovich was promptly returned to Israel so that he could go up to his room and think about what he had done. He has called the decision “unfair” and claimed he is already “embarrassed enough” about his actions. “There is no reason for anyone to take away my Xbox,” Alexandrovich told the press. The US Department of State told Alexandrovich that he should have thought about that before trying to have sex with a 15 year old.

Alexandrovich acquiesced after learning he’d be allowed limited screen time each day, as long as he promised not to use it to talk to children. Reportedly Alexandrovich nodded, stating, “I won’t be caught again.”

Texas Democrats Muzzled and Hitched Outside State Capitol

AUGUST 19

To ensure their full cooperation in the deconstruction of democracy, the skittish Democrats have been hitched to posts outside the state capitol building until Republicans can fully break them in. Protesters gathered at the scene to demand the representatives receive proper feeding troughs.

Trump Declares National Emergency Over Growing Fear of History

AUGUST 22

Following a terrifying trip through the Smithsonian’s American History Museum, President Trump declared a national emergency. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt says the emergency will last as long as it takes to rectify the alarming facts of history.

The President ranted throughout August that the facts must be rewritten to more carefully consider his feelings. Before declaring the state of emergency, the President was reportedly so bridled with terror that he locked himself in the White House panic room for three days. Witnesses say the President took the museum’s modern critiques of eighteenth and nineteenth century slavers and colonizers personally. No one around him found this odd.

Trump has now vowed to update history so that no white man will be forced to bear thinking about reality. Crayoning new museum placards will also give the President something fun to do while The Heritage Foundation writes the rest of his policies.

The administration’s newfound War on History should come as no surprise. It is the continuation of Trump’s plight against primary school fundamentals. The President has already spurred a war on reading, encouraged HHS to declare a war on science and even used Iran as a proxy for his war on algebra.

Science and Technology:

Physician Succumbs To Booby Traps

Scientists Say Constant Streams of Iced Matcha Could Replace SSRIs

New data out of MIT’s Department of Brain and Cognitive Sciences suggests a strong link between ingesting constant streams of iced matcha and the ability to hold it together for another fucking second. “The results are stunning,” says research graduate Bruno Olivera. “In many cases iced matcha is outperforming traditional medication like Lexapro or Prozac. Especially when it comes to restoring a patient’s general optimism.” The only catch is if the participants ever stop consuming iced matcha, either to swallow or to breathe, all of the day’s remaining tasks come crashing back down on the individual alongside the crushing recognition of unmet social expectations, global affairs, and the futility of life. Researchers are already experimenting with ways to circumvent this shortcoming. Two possible solutions are medical IVs or suppositories.

“Eventually, iced matcha could prove to be a valuable substitute for individuals who find SSRIs disagreeable.” Olivera says. “Or even for those who find them agreeable but worry not wanting to kill themselves all the time might dampen their creativity.”

Local News:

Man Spends $150 To Be Sad Downtown

Feeling dejected about the tribulations of his personal life, Orlando man Hunter Parsons decided he wasn’t going to sit alone at home feeling sad anymore. Instead, he opted to spend $150 to be sad downtown. “Since everyone I knew was busy I figured I’d go out and make a few new friends,” Parsons said, spilling an overpriced cocktail on himself as strangers pushed past him. “It turns out most people downtown already have friends.” He stared listlessly into space for several minutes.

We caught up with Parsons later that night sitting alone on the damp concrete outside a dance club. He reported that the biting loneliness in his stomach was a bit less noticeable now that he was cold and dizzy and unable to afford an uber ride home.

Florida National Guard Declares All Out Assault On Crosswalks

Public Discourse:

On August 5th A Green Dildo Was Thrown Onto A WNBA Court For The Third Time This Year

Cindy:

“At least throw a Rose Toy or something good.”

Fredrick:

“Men don’t even have to be involved in something to find a way to fuck it up.”

Joseph:

“So what? I wish someone would throw a fleshlight at me.”

The new app ShootRoute is making waves across the United States. It’s the latest addition to the growing gig economy, which features tech giants like Uber, Lyft, and Doordash.

ShootRoute moves beyond transportation and delivery services, allowing users to commit domestic terrorism from the comfort of their own home. It’s a revolutionary development for everyone who wants to participate in America’s latest pastime, mass homicide, but can’t be bothered to get out of bed.

ShootRoute allows users to post addresses to the app and then offers those addresses to gig workers in the area. Initial ratings have been very high. “For a brand new app,” one user wrote on his Apple Store review, “It’s extremely user friendly. And the UI looks great.”

The success of their launch is in no small part thanks to big name investors like Kevin O’Leary1, who gave the startup enough capital to ensure the app was polished.

“These aren’t expensive black market assassins.” ShootRoute CEO Herman Walters boasted at the application’s launch party. “These are your friends and neighbors who have back pain and alimony and who have been systemically desensitized to violence over decades.”

Currently the app has restrictions on what sort of addresses users can submit. It primarily allows users to target the public sector and nonchristian-orthodox religious institutions. Live entertainment shows are also a popular choice. ShootRoute’s public relations team has stated that these restrictions are in place to discourage extremists from requesting attacks that may threaten valuable human life. “The last thing we want is another UnitedHealthcare situation. We simply hope to profit off events like the 302 mass shootings that have taken place since then.”

Feeling dejected about the tribulations of his personal life, local man Hunter Parsons decided he wasn’t going to sit alone at home feeling sad anymore. Instead, he opted to spend $150 to be sad downtown. “Since everyone I knew was busy I figured I’d go out and make a few new friends,” Parsons said, spilling an overpriced cocktail on himself as strangers pushed past him. “It turns out most people downtown already have friends.” He stared listlessly into space for several minutes.

We caught up with Parsons later that night sitting alone on the damp concrete outside a dance club. He reported that the biting loneliness in his stomach was a bit less noticeable now that he was cold and dizzy and unable to afford an uber ride home.

A heartwarming story has gone viral out of San Antonio, Texas, after 8 year old Gavin Boyd kidnapped his Panamanian-American classmate to help his dad, a 32 year old ICE Agent, reach his Summer detention quota. Reports say the third grader beat his classmate, Daniel, over the head with his multiplication tables until he fell unconscious. The young boy then tied him to the back of his bicycle with a jump rope and dragged him home to his father, who takes Mondays off to drink.

Following a segment on snowcones, Gavin appeared on San Antonio’s Morning Show, telling of his father’s exciting job denying constitutional protections, donning a ski mask and breaking into people’s homes to put them in cages. Gavin said his father promised to buy him anything he wanted from the store if he reached his detention quota for the season. “It’s harder for him than others,” Gavin explained. “Since he takes Mondays off to drink.” So little Gavin decided to help his pops out, by beating his classmate, Daniel, over the head with his multiplication tables, tying him to his bicycle with a jump rope, and dragging him home to his father.

Reporters spoke with Gavin’s father, Derek Boyd, to get his perspective, on Monday. For clarity we’ve excluded most of Agent Boyd’s burps, stutters, and stammers.

“Basically I says to the kid lookie here bubba, Daddy needs some muchachos and he needs em quick cuz Summer’s wrappin up. But if I pulls this off, I tells him, we’s goin out and yous gonna be picking anything ya want from the Super Target up on Blanco Street cuz we’s gonna be rollin I tells him. I mean these bonuses are crazy since that beautif— beautifa— beautefan— since that big bill went through. Like, crazy! Anyways, next thing I knows hes brings me this kid from school and sos I puts him in the shed and calls my director. Turns out the kid’s a freakin Merican citizen. USA I mean. That always gives us a laugh. But it don’t matter much really. We sends him off anyways and I hits my quota! Ha! Good kid I gots.”

Daniel is now living (probably) in a detention center somewhere in or near Texas. We tried contacting ICE to find out where exactly he is being held but no one seems to know how to access that information. Or whether it exists at all.

He’s probably fine though.

America is a good country.

We do good things.

Office Detective Brick Harrington has reported no leads on the case of which asshole keeps taking all the good pens home. In fact there has not been a significant development since the case was opened in early June. Detective Brick Harrington is rumored to be on the brink of giving up, though he refused to say that to the press. “It’s a tough case but I’m not through yet. Some asshole is definitely taking these pens home.” Brick said with a sigh. “They don’t just get up and walk away.”

The detective revealed that the office’s security cameras have been inoperative for the past fifteen years even though the comms department is tasked with an annual systems review.

At this time the comms department has declined to comment.

As the day wore on Brick shared that he has been able to make one deduction. “All I know is that it’s not Stacy. For some God forsaken reason that lady deliberately uses the bad pens. She prefers them! Imagine that! Using a dry ass stic pen when gel ink is available.”

Trump Diagnosed With Chronic Virtue Insufficiency

President Trump has been diagnosed with Chronic Virtue Insufficiency, a disease in which morals have difficulty developing and moving throughout the body—often getting caught up in the legs.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has described his condition as “benign” and “common.” Much of Trump’s base also suffers from the condition, for instance. However later stages of the disease can become dangerous, and the White House may be downplaying the severity of Trump’s specific case. President Trump has recently been photographed with swollen ankles and legs, as well as makeup covering discolored skin. These symptoms suggest the President may have already entered stage 3 or 4 of the disease.

The big risk with late stage Chronic Virtue Insufficiency (CVI) is clotting. This risk is exacerbated by Trump’s age. Younger patients have an easier time burning off unused empathy because their metabolism is stronger, but at eighty years old it is much more likely that discarded virtues pool and clot.

Medical experts around the country are validating the claims. “Things are beginning to make sense again.” One expert wrote on X. “My colleagues and I have been dumbfounded by the President’s irreverence for the wave of death he has created. Between the USAID cuts, the foreign missile strikes, the financing of Israel’s regional genocide, and the careless foreign and domestic detention of unconvicted abductees, everyone has been asking where the President’s morals are. Now we know that they are simply all clumped up in his legs.”

CVI can also be tied to a weak or shallow heart. It is widely believed that the historical figure, The Grinch, suffered from CVI prior to undergoing an experimental medical procedure involving a deep comprehension of the true meaning of Christmas. The White House is looking into this as a potential option for the President.

Out of an abundance of caution White House physicians also tested Vice President JD Vance, but said they have found no signs of CVI. Expectedly, however, they confirmed that the Vice President suffers from a complete absence of soul or spine.

Opinion: Donald Trump is Ruining Pancakes For Everyone

By Mimi St John Sinclaire, 83.

I could look pass the racism, 25 sexual assault allegations, -tempted coup, blatant disregard for the fifth mendment, direct defiance of court orders, scams conducted outta office, scams conducted in office, etcetera etcetera. Fact, I did overlook a great many these things when I voted for him in November. But Mr. Trump’s latest pronouncement is a bridge too far. 35% tariffs on Canada, he says. That orange fool is gonna ruin pancakes for everyone. Tariff the whole rest of the world for all I care! He started to. Didn’t bother me none. But leave Canada out of it. Reliable access to the world’s finest maple syrup is not something to muck around with. I don’t want to say the President has been compromised or tempted by Satan himself just yet but at some point you’ve got to stop and ask:

What in the high heavens?

A 35% surcharge passed onto consumers just looking for a decent stack of flapjacks? That’s devil talk. If this goes through I declare wholeheartedly that Mr. Trump will have lost my third term vote. I don’t care what Pastor Greggory has to say about it. He can go on voting for this wickedness and eat his dry doggone breakfast without me.

I pray to Jesus I’ll still be seeing my family in this dystopia. The grandkids stay with me every weekend but they ain’t gonna wanna come round no more if Meemaw’s perfectly light golden brown pancakes are served up plain as day. I sure as heck know they don’t show up for my good looks or southern charm. I’m an ugly bitch to be perfectly honest with you. And don’t you give no lip down in the comments talking bout using honey or PB or preserves on my pancakes. They ain’t proper toppings. Those toppings are queer as the LBGQ agenda. Whip cream and butter ain’t bad but whip cream and butter oughta go right on top the maple syrup. There’s no need to go messing with what works. Pure Canadian maple syrup works. It works like a dang charm. If Canada stops sending it down here or if I’m forced to pay exorbitant prices, so help me Jesus I’m going to do something drastic. I can feel the Lord working through me and He is P.O.ed. He’s speaking of the Great Flood and the biblical genocides again. Things He ain’t done in a long time. I hope you very well consider backtracking your position prior to August 1st, Mr. Trump. We’ve been trading with Canada since long before I popped out my ma. Back when her pussy was still wet and pink. Now she’s dead as a doorknob and my own pussy is dry as our pancakes gonna be. Queefing up dust mites and the like. Pardon my French but I am worked the hay up. Don’t muck around with a good thing. Praise Jesus.

Vance Champions Traditional Family Values By Killing His Father and Marrying His Mother

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From his days on the campaign trail to his time in the White House, Vice President JD Vance has made his top political priority saving traditional family values. However, not many people truly know his personal philosophy.

“You see, when I say “traditional” I don’t just mean making divorce illegal and bringing back Jim Crow,” Vance explains. “I got back even further. Nothing is more traditional than 13 Century BC.”

Vance lives by the book. Well, not the book or any book at all, but a Greek tragedy. “Some people avoid eating pork or abstain from sex until marriage. I killed my father and married my mother. And I am raising my children to do the same. Once a year we even hire a witch to reveal a prophecy. It’s like Santa but sexier. Everyone has a right to their own faith, but mine is the best one and should be mandated by law.”

“And before you ask, no, I don’t want to have sex with my mom, but it is what my faith requires and I am not to question my lord Oedipus. But yeah, I did want to kill my dad a little bit,” Vance reveals.

The Squeeze would like to wish all who celebrate a happy “Gouge Thy Eyes Out Day”, the holiest of holidays in this faith.

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Opinion: Republicans Need to Stop Giving Badass Names to Horrible Things

It’s getting confusing for me.

Alligator Alcatraz opened this past weekend in the Everglades. I was under the impression this was some kind of dope ass amusement park or escape room. To my shock and horror, it was actually a concentration camp that is going to destroy both lives of innocent people and the ecosystem of Florida. I have been fooled by these things before. In 2020, I was almost duped into thinking “All Lives Matter” was a beautiful slogan about equality. Nope, just a racist dog whistle. Pro-Life sounded to me like a powerful anti-suicide campaign that I was on board with until I found out it was an anti-abortion catchphrase. Hell, even the DOGE department sounded pretty epic to me at first. I love that funny dog.

As a country, we need to take action and stop the GOP from taking all the badass and misleading names for their programs. It’s time to act. I believe we are scaring away the Republican Party with scary acronyms and letters that may shock or frighten them. LGBTQ+ may just be too much for a corrupt 86 year old senator who yelled at Ruby Bridges in the 60’s. Instead, we should entice the boomers with terms like “Child that will not get pregnant or get anyone else pregnant on accident.” DEI is another blanket term that has these crotchety old weasels clutching their pearls. How about something like “making sure EVERYONE can help fund billionaires’ companies equally.” They got us with the pro-life one, I admit. I mean, then that makes us anti-life. A stellar strategic move on the part of the evangelical right. I think that pro-choice is a pretty solid workaround, but we can do better. Republicans love when things have a bold, vague label that sounds cool and hardcore, so how about something sick like “Operation Children’s Crusade.” It’s always in your best interest to pander to images of holy wars and needless violence against children. They actually throw money at that kind of stuff, so it might even work in our favor.

My point is, these right wing nuts have us beat in one specific area besides podcasts, and that is their naming conventions. I voted for Biden, but I have to admit sleepy joe was funny as hell. Fellow progressives, it’s time we step up our games and start speaking more like middle school boys who have a fathead of Aaron Rodgers on their wall. Remember fatheads? Anyways, I’m tired of getting duped by these GOP movements with cool names. But in other news, I hear there’s something that just passed called the Big, Beautiful Bill. There’s no way that can be bad, right?

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Democrats Scoop Out Eyeballs And Plow Forward On New Podcast

Following democratic-socialist underdog Zohran Mamdani’s decisive victory in New York City’s Democratic mayoral primary, established Democrats have received a lot of noise about where to take the party next. In order to remain focused, party leaders like Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries have scooped out their eyeballs, burnt off their fingertips and drilled two-inch flat head screws into their eardrums. They are now plowing ahead on production of their new podcast, Party Over Politics, a show focused on breaking through the dichotomy of good versus evil in favor of very little at all. Democratic staffers have stated that by stripping themselves of a majority of senses, party leaders can finally avoid the petulant distractions hurled at them by their voting base. Free from their constituents, Democrats can continue their vital mission to recapture young men by implementing more casual misogyny into their messaging. “This is best done through a podcast nobody will know about or listen to.” Hakeem Jeffries told reporters loudly and in no particular direction.

Trump’s Intel on Iran Behind Paywall

Just days after striking Iran’s nuclear facilities, President Donald Trump has announced he can no longer receive information about the unfolding situation because it is behind a paywall.

The paywall, which requires a 12 dollar monthly subscription, comes with a free trial that the White House has deemed “untrustworthy.”

“I try to stay away from those kinds of things because I always forget to cancel them,” said the president in a press conference this morning. This statement comes just hours after Iran violated a reported ceasefire, which seemed to upset the President.

“We are trying to stay up to date on this tense situation,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth in a recent interview.

“We’re going off of the information we already have, but midway through our briefings the text becomes blurry and says it’s for premium members only. We’re not paying for that.”

The situation in the Middle East has many Americans on edge, and the lack of clarity has many asking if the American government went too far. Rest assured, members of Trump’s cabinet have been scouring Reddit for ways to bypass this paywall.

Majority of Americans Agree Iran War Is A Necessary Consequence For Algebra

“It’s true that we’re concerned about Iran approaching its 35th consecutive year being six days away from a nuclear weapon,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “But the majority of Americans know what this is really about. And they overwhelmingly agree. Iran—once Persia—needs to pay for inventing Algebra in the 9th century.”

Numerous pollsters show that Leavitt is correct for once (though journalists at The Squeeze didn’t bother to double check their math out of principle). Americans overwhelmingly agree that Iran never paid their debt for all those years American citizens have spent bored out of their minds in the 9th grade. “Numbers were perfectly good when we were just adding and subtracting them!” President Trump declared in his address to the nation. “Iran should have left them that way!”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu released a video on X backing Trump’s comments, stating, “What President Trump has said is true. This war is about whatever it was he said it was about. Definitely. Numbers, nukes, colonialism. Just keep the bombs rolling.”

Sure, advancements in mathematics have made nearly all modern luxuries possible, from freezers to cell phones to digital pornography. But does any of that really make up for the awful year we spent getting tyrannized by Ms. Clarkson and the quadratic fucking formula? Sixty five percent of Americans say no.

Trump To Hold Firm In Latest Decision To Change His Mind

Last Wednesday a reporter asked Trump for his reaction to the internet meme TACO—an acronym coined in reference to his tariff policies—which stands for Trump Always Chickens Out. As a response to the accusation that he is incapable of seeing his decisions through, Trump says he plans to hold firm in his latest decision to change his mind.

Polls show that citizens are relieved Trump is making decisions at the behest of internet memes, as their trust in institutions such as Instagram Reels and TikTok continues to surpass that of mainstream media. Trump’s popularity among fifth graders is also seeing a significant rise, with students saying they find his sensitivity to cyberbullying highly relatable. Although not everyone is thrilled. National security experts—not John Bolton or Marco Rubio, but you know, experts—have warned that the President’s reactionary tendencies may leave him vulnerable to international psyops. “We’re worried enemy states might get wise to the fact that the President is highly susceptible to an advance form of mind control colloquially known as ‘reverse-psychology.’” One official told The Squeeze. Close allies to the administration have denied the notion that Trump flip-flops at all, saying the President is pioneering a bold new “talk strong and carry a hollow stick” negotiation strategy.

New Defense Package to Israel Part of Child’s “Make a Wish” Request

A new 5 billion dollar defense package was passed Wednesday morning by congress, in an almost unanimous vote. The package, which will help Israeli soldiers to further defend against schools, hospitals, playgrounds, and other assets of Hamas, came as a request from an unnamed 12 year old boy who is battling leukemia.

“We are no stranger to keeping promises” said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a statement to the press.

“The American people made this little boy’s wish come true.”

Despite public skepticism about the origins of this wish, the Trump Administration stands firm on its decision.

“We know Israel is a complex subject right now, and we were seriously considering pausing aid.” Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt claimed in a recent press conference.

“But when a child has been battling cancer for half of his life… we just couldn’t say no.”

Sources close to the Trump Administration say similar Make a Wish requests have been appearing all over the country, including a recent wish to let President Trump run again in 2028. Democratic strategists have sounded the alarm on a potential “Wish Loophole,” but GOP speaker of the house Mike Johnson said in a recent interview:

“When children, dying children are using their final wish to defeat the woke agenda, you know there’s a problem with the direction this country was going.”

Our team has reached out to the Make a Wish foundation, but has not received a reply.